it's spitting, angels die with you

i love crystal castles at the moment, so raw and electronic. listening to their lyrics though, they seem to make no sense. i think, nowadays, you can say absolute poppycock but people will always find a way to make it sound deep and meaningful, and when stated that it is complete poppycock that person is said to be stupid and not able to see the deeper truth. i've come to terms with myself that i shouldn't constantly search for deeper truth when, most probably, there is no deeper truth.

i haven't blogged for a while, mainly because people wrote on my formspring like, i like your blog, you should write in it, hence i felt pressurised and decided not to

anything happened from now and last time i blogged? i honestly don't think so. I've been revising. Revising is one of the only things that makes me depressed at the moment. it's the thing that "opens the doors" as it were, which makes me think more depressing things. i feel like my precious life is slowly sifting away from me, like a sand timer. and the sand particles where i could have had fun, relaxed, or not what i want are being wasted and i don't even see them. it's really, really horrible, and i just lose all will to live because all i'm doing is this menial task.

but whatever i'm fine i guess, i'm slowly becoming meaner to my intense amusement, but i'm becoming nicer at the same time, i honestly don't know how two complete opposites work together in one, maybe i have split personality. one minute i look at someone and think of a quite frankly horrible way to describe them, and then i see something else really happy, smile, and feel like a good, kind person. yet i don't have any of these rifts within myself constantly like you would expect. i'm still finding myself, and i guess it's quite hard to find yourself on your own. i think i'm going to spend my whole life finding myself, finally realise when i'm 82 and die.

here's a question for you all that i've been wondering about today. if the whole universe was destroyed, everything completely obliterated, would objects still be. for example, would i still be maria. because i would be gone, of course but i would have been, but then there would have been no record of me, and no time. oh another thing, in complete, infinite nothingness where nothing happens, is there time?

morning blogging again, i should be visiting my friend later on in the day if all goes according to plan. these past few days have been good, the day before yesterday i had a photoshoot-esque thing which went alright although some were blurry :( i shall put some up if this works. oh i also got a soviet union pilot hat which is banging, and a ushanka? is it, a big black furry russian hat which has the soviet union sign on it, hehe, so more to add to my ever growing hat collection

i still haven't got a name for the cat yet, it's cute but it follows me EVERYWHERE, and constantly wants to play.

i'm having fun being a bitch and pissing everyone off atm. i'm such a keyboard warrior, but to be honest, everyone is. "if you hate me say it to my face." now, i highly doubt the people who say this actually go up to people they don't like, especially if they're their friends and tell them straight out they hate them. anyone who says this is frankly sanctimonious and hypocritical

i think i'm going to write a list later, lists are fun and everyone likes lists. i need to watch south park's new episode though. apparently it's a huge mash up of all the different characters. i really shouldn't get excited over south park.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNQ97P0rQk8

i love that ^

one thing you can't hide is when you cripple inside

my lovely sunglasses. yes i'm aware of the fact i look like a douche but i thought i'd buy them anyway

i'm blogging from the garden today, thought i'd get a bit of serene relaxation. unfortunately it's cold and the neighbours are redecorating and the builders next door are playing capital. one more "i can make your bedrock".. i was going to climb our tree and read in it, but that didn't work because as soon as i'd skilfully climbed it i got a phonecall and had to go back down.

i got a cat by the way..i'll put up pictures. oh in the next one. i just realised i haven't uploaded & effort getting camera. i can't find it though, which is a bit annoying. i hope it hasn't got run over

i've been doing fuck all these days, in fact i've been a bit sad. but i can easily make myself fine again by rationalising in my head, which is what i've done. i'm happy doing fuck all, and i've been downloading some really good music, thank you to the recommender. at the moment i really like spoon, the kills, neon indian, beach house and i've been downloading more john lennon which is GENIUS. oh and blood red shoes' new song, and mgmt's new one too. it annoys me when people say: "they should stick to their old sound." if the beatles stuck to their old sound they wouldn't have made some of the best songs in the world. Change is good for everyone. hum, i'm quite into ambient dreamy music at the moment.

i'm looking at clouds now, i just saw a dove and a doughnut. oh now the sun's out. i absolutely love when it shines through leaves and branches and disperses everywhere.

cross your fingers, hold your toes

haven't blogged in a while, i seem to be saying this on every blog post.

i can talk about my easter holidays if you so desire

i've been doing something every day, so that's kind of cool

i already spoke about thursday and friday

saturday was church all night, it was kind of cool

nice atmosphere with food and a big fire and all

sunday family friends, but it was ok because we played articulate

best board game ever

monday general cotching and film watching

tuesday i went for a photoshoot and general wood ambling

lovely day, lovely scenery, that's my favourite picture ^ it won't move though

wednesday i went to camden and did a top bit of bargain hunting

brown worn looking doc martens for FIVE pounds, lennon sunglasses which make me look like a douche, and velvet blazer for five pounds, pretty good heheh

and today i had a nice day sitting on a piece of grass watching the clouds and lazing around

oh i also got my cartilage pierced, which looks awesome

yeah that's up there too, but i can't move the pictures and it's being really gay

i'm in love with piercings now, though

next i'm getting my nose, even though everyone has said not to

i just need to save

doing all this has made my wellbeing just fine

i think i'm pleasantly content, but i think there's only so much of pleasant contentedness you can take before you want a change, and to be honest i do and i know exactly what change i'd like but i'm happy with that not happening. i'm happy with however situations go, but i tire of happiness.

creeping down my bones, reminds me i'm alone

i actually love lightspeed champion. i don't even know what it is, i just do.

i'm kind of glum today, even though the sun is shining, this is the only time i'm down when the sun's out, but i guess i have a reason to be. irrational, yes. i guess it's just the feeling of being alone, all the time. the room just darkened as i said that. get in there pathetic fallacy. i've been telling myself i'm fine by myself, but i have so much i need to talk about, and i don't really have people i can talk to, so i just talk to myself in my head. but there's only so much you can say before you have to actually speak to someone else. i don't even need a boyfriend as such, not even a friend. just someone i can actually speak to and mean what i say, because 80% of the time i'm lying or feeling awkward. call yourself an open person, maria :|

sad things aside, i've had a good past two days. i have midnight communion today because it's easter. i've been so good. LMAO. i'm going to burn in hell. if there is a hell, which i'm pretty sure there isn't. it's kind of weird how people can't accept that there is nothing after death, it's so logical, and sorry, but whoever suggests otherwise is delirious and in strong denial.

i'm feeling better now. i just have to tell myself some things and i feel neutral again. i think i've managed to completely control my feelings now, which is kind of cool

i really need to do something productive with my time, but if you don't feel like doing something, you can't just make yourself do something, so i'll just wait for the urge to do something