i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl

haven't written in this for a while, well, for a few days, but to me it feels like a while. i'm completely and utterly bored, and not just that "i'm bored" when you have nothing else to say. I have NOTHING to do, NO-ONES online, and i'm STILL GROUNDED. so i've just been downloading music all of today and today. I love the stone roses at the moment. i've already got bored of this blogging business, so i daresay this will be my last blog for a long time until i finally get inspiration to write in it again

show me show me show me how you do that trick

i haven't written in two days, but right now, i can't think straight, so i don't know how much of a successful blog this would be. i'm feeling all sorts of things right now, and i can't distinguish one from another, i don't even know if it's just one feeling. makes me think, no-one knows how anything feels do they. happy, sad. they're words. created by mankind to try and frame what we're feeling. there's no other way to express yourself apart from with words, so if you don't know how to, then there's nothing to say. so i will say nothing

one day, we're going to live in paris

today has been a day of injustice, and further annoyance at normal people and the mainstream media. it hasn't been a particularly interesting day, in fact, it's been a suitably average day, hence suitably boring. apart from certain injustice on certain english and head of years behalf. i got 78% in my physics test. a suitably average grade, considering it was a relatively easy test. i was suitably bored in all lessons, as they consisted entirely of note taking and attempting to listen to a man talk to himself for an hour. don't get me wrong, astronomy's all very interesting, but first period monday morning isn't the best time to hear about features on the moons surface. one thing that IS really bugging me though, i got the LOWEST grade in the english debate today. seeing as i actually spoke to and "entertained," (the word the old-fashioned bat liked to use) the audience, i think i deserved a better mark. despite what she said, i thought i made some very crucial points. but oh well, forget, breathe, LIFE GOES ON. anything else about my day? no that's all.

oh wait I've been quite mean today actually, laughing at other people's misfortune. I've sort of abandoned the whole, if i be nice i'll be happy thing. sorry but if you saw a fat person fail cartwheeling with their top slipping down then doing a log roll and looking like an overstuffed swiss roll, you'd laugh too right? OK anyway enough of this, let me tell you about further discoveries made on this day.

i decided to watch some of x-factor, and see what all the hype was about.

i'm afraid to say i was extremely disappointed, and it made me think again, is this what our nation has come to?

none of these people actually have talent. they are all SO BORING. they're all clones of each other and all sing the SAME KINDS of songs. i wish they could have more diversity and have acoustic singers on it or something. they're all just the next wannabe alexandra burke/leona lewises, and the pinnacle of their career will be getting one top ten hit shortly after the show, then disappearing, then making a "comeback." and sorry, but JOHN AND EDWARD. i heard all this hype about them, and that they're probably the most "controversial" topic at the moment. forget about how the world is suffering, how we're slowly being heated to a slow roasting death, how people are dying, no, JOHN AND EDWARD is all we can talk about. and do you know what? they're not even controversial. they're just arrogant, extremely cocky retards who cannot sing to save their lives. they're the next eoughan quigg, or whatever. who even remembers him?

oh and ALSO, dizzee rascal's making me quite sad now. i can see that as people start to tip towards mainstream their music becomes milder, less original, and their lyrics become more meaningless as they become again dominated by the wannabe clubhouse beats. Listen to something like Holiday, then listen to stuff from boy in da corner or maths and english. you'll see what i mean.

anyway i can see i've written TOO MUCH again

i complain far too much, eh this isn't good

sorry guys, people will probs get bored soon of this constant ranting anyway, i need to change the layout etc

it would take no sherlock holmes to see it's a little different around here

hello all, i'm afraid i didn't write in my blog yesterday. never fear i shall write an extra long entry today. because i know you all want a synopsis of my very interesting weekend. actually, i've been through yet more personality changes. There wasn't even a bookmarked significant event which sparked off this sudden change. I've just realised some crucial things, that i shall lay down as my foundations of my life to come:

If people like me, cool, i like them. If they don't, then that's fine, live and let live

and that alot of people are actually really fake. people want to be loved for what they appear rather than what they are. that's in a song, but i can't remember which one. i've come to the conclusion that that's because they're very empty people but they want to fill that up with generic senses of humour and not even remotely funny flirtatious teases and comments. no-one wants to overstep the boundaries. they're scared that people will think they're weird and what not. people pretend to like each other, on the computer they're different people. they laugh at things that aren't funny, and i can predict the responses to these over-used, rinsed as far as they can be funny jokes. generally about sexual orientation. DON'T PRETEND YOU'RE GAY IF YOU'RE NOT. that's all i'm going to say. it's all one horrible spider web held together by loose threads that people have built up to ensure a stable position in this "social situation." people don't even like each other. i understand that i've just said a lot of things that don't relate and don't make sense. sorry about that. anyway, i'm going to ensure i DON'T turn out like that. i'm going to spend time i would worrying about what people think about me getting in touch with my inner-self, and ensuring i'm genuine at all times. i'm never going to change for anyone. and changes will be for my sake only. i think this way i'm going to be happier.

sorry i'm rambling again, i'll talk about my supercool weekend now

well on saturday, i went to meme's and watched harry potter with meme and elena. it was HILARIOUS, i never realised how very funny harry potter is. i love it though :) but harry's face and reactions are SO FUNNY. haven't you guys thought how much of a pussy harry is? well, daniel radcliffe anyway. ALSO, Emma watson is an infuriating actress. she makes hermione so annoying. Oh then we watched sweeney todd. what a fucking amazing film. one of the best i've ever seen. i'm still thinking about now. it was a really..moving film to say the least. johnny depp and helena bonham carter are AMAZING at acting. then i went home and watched saw, on my own. hahahhah. I missed the first and last twenty minutes of it, so i didn't understand the plot. the gore was hilarious though, didn't affect me at all :) i think i really am quite twisted. I did get so scared of the puppet though. i had to sleep with my whole body under the cover facing the wall, otherwise i'd feel all exposed. anyone ever do that?

oh yeah and today was dan's birthday. i kind of forgot till yesterday. i "joined" presents with my brother. we got him chocolate, original. my dad's been in a good mood today, and hugged me for like the first time in a year i think. it was awkward. i hate family affection. it makes me cringe.

we went to a restaurant. my grandfather forgot his medication so he had to go back and get it with my dad. my brother had a massive go at me for reading in a restaurant and my mum joined in at him then at me and yeah. my brother proceeded to telling my mum stuff about me, and telling her that i never get punished. little snivelling rascal. yeah anyway i was reading lord of the flies. it's really quite good, makes me think about society. it's so sad though, i shan't spoil it for any of you :) anyway i got back home and went on the computer all day from 3 till now, not even remembering what i've done. my minds going to waste away one of these days

i have homework to do as well. alllow i'm goint to leave it a few hours then check what i have.

sorry i'll leave now, you probably stopped reading halfway up. i don't blame you :)

bye world and loyal reaaders

who put all those things in your head? things that make me feel like i'm mad

nothing interesting happened today. my hand's still brown. the whole class had an argument with dr ag today. i love how most people who don't like him have absolutely no reason not to like him, but just like to say they do cause they want to fill their completely bland lives with something to say and something to complain about. same with homework. i've said this before, but people who make every one of their statuses "omg tooo much homework!" "i hate homework!" are probably boring people. homeworks the last resort if you reaally can't think of anything. or unless you really are drowning in a sea of it. but i bet most of the times people just like to complain. yeah anyway, i'm in a good mood today, kind of. i've had a day like all the others with slight lapses of paranoia and depression and what not. but i'm forgetting about it all and letting the stream flow and take me along with it and drop me off somewhere else, hopefully a place where i know more.

omg, the cure - how beautiful you are.

i just listened to it properly for the first time, and read the lyrics

it just made me cry

it's so sad and makes me wonder

i like songs that make you think and look at the world in a different way

ok i'm going to listen to a happy song now or risk, yes, this "circle" of bad thoughts

octopuses garden, beatles. "i'd like to be, under the sea, in an octopus's garden beneath the shore"

sorry blabbering on about uninteresting stuff

i love how a generally boring day should only be a few lines yet i somehow manage to write so much more.

anyway, today i'm telling myself yet again i'm going to change. well, i'm going to do things that make me feel better? things that will get me temporary self contentment, or at least i hope they will. so i'm going to make a list...

1. care more about my self image. i've let my image go into decline, not caring about my hair or anything. i think if i look better i'm going to feel better.

2. get more more clothes. because clothes always make me happier. i need more tights. and patterned leggings. and some kind of tops. and a new dress. oh and a skirt. and more knee high socks. i really can't wait until it gets really cold - i can finally wear big woolly jumpers again :D:D

3. EAT PROPERLY and start exercising again. cut down on junk food and only eat wholesome foods, and start doing sit ups again, i've put on weight

4. spend more time relaxing, chilling out, reading. i tend to get really stressed and paranoid etc, i basically need to manage my time better

5. STOP WORRYING ABOUT FRIENDS! :) maria everyone DOES like you. and if they don't, that's ok, it's their choice, and i probably don't really care either. and if they don't at the moment, it will ALL GET BETTER. as i say to people, time will straighten out whatever creases there may currently be. i think it's just because i'm grounded. when i get ungrounded and start going out again and stuff i'm sure i'll be FINE :D

6. Stop thinking about things that will never happen. I need to completely extinguish the still flickering candle that despite what i say, has not gone out. i need to get rid of it, i think that's one of the reasons i'm generally more of a subdued depressed person these days. i need something new :) and that WILL COME. i just need to be patient.

7. WRITE STORIES AND POETRY. i used to write poetry, but i just..can't again. i don't know why. i think when i get sad i need to do that. also, it will be good for me to write stories, as that's what i've been told i'm good at. well...i am working on a "story." but it's not, ahem, suitable for all kinds of audiences. i'm not allowed to talk about this story, so i shant say anything. you can probably guess what it is.

8. START APPRECIATING NATURE MORE. I need to go on more walks and trips to the forest and stuff, because nature makes me really, really happy and content. especially now that it's autumn. anyone want to go to banstead forest? :) it's lovely there

9. BE MYSELF! i've been told to be myself. and that's what i'll do. i'm going to be 100% genuine all of the time. if you think i'm attention seeking, shame. because i don't try to. and i mean that. ok i used to, but i've changed since a year ago. it might not look like it. hmm

OK yeah anyway that's it for now. i think i've written too much again

I have quite alot of love right now

I love everyone actually, if i think about it

sing along with the common people, sing along and it might just get you through

hmm. I've had a lot of new thoughts today. Things I really can't get my head round. And I've also found loads of fresh new things annoying. it just keeps on growing and growing as the days pass really. soon, one day, i'm going to find something completely irrelevant so very annoying i'm going to actually explode. i might just explode at the world, you know. stand on a table and shout at everyone in the school kind of thing. So i'm venting out my annoyedness on here.

right, so what exactly do i find annoying on this day?

one: CAPITAL RADIO. i was listening to it with Sophie in the car going to climbing. I'm sorry but isn't if funny how EVERY SINGLE ARTIST ON CAPITAL RADIO SOUNDS EXACTLY THE SAME, and how their beat is ALL like, wannabe clubhouse beats, even though it's not bloody clubbing music it's R&B! and sorry but what IS the difference between akon and neyo? and jordin sparks and alesha dixon? NOTHING! SO WHY DO THEY REPEAT THEM OVER AND OVER AGAIN? also, listen to the lyrics. the lyrics are nothing, they use the same old message of baby i love you, i'll never leave you. they don't educate us, inform us, or even make us feel any kind of way? gggrrrrrrr. there's a radio station i'm never listening to again

two: PIXIE LOTT. when i saw pictures of her and stuff and heard she was a new singer i though, wow she must be individual and UNIQUE. she looks it really, doesn't she? she's really fashionable and actually has nice hair and is quirky etc. and when i heard her boys and girls song it was a complete letdown. she sounds just like EVERY OTHER jordin sparks or saturdays person. way to go.

three: people who start talking to you on msn, ask you how you are, and if you don't reply with anything other than "i'm good" they'll think you're weird. Also, how people say hi and don't even TALK to you properly, and there's noting in common and nothing to talk about. so why do they even start? :|

four: people who flirt and are annoying. i had to witness nearly two hours of this at rock climbing today. not good, i'm telling you. i hate how boys lap up all this flirting thing, when it's so blatant people are being something they're not!

that's about it, for NOW

ok i'm talking too much again, oh dear

ok but quickly let me tell you about my day

i had a physics test, and as me and anna were saying today, i realised that you can't actually make up a colour. try it. try and think of a colour that doesn't exist. it's impossible. but yeah anyway, we got off our english debate. i'm scared about it actually. but oh well i'm sure my amazing improvisational skills will pull me through. what else? oh yeah, i've actually been SO funny today. basically, to freak people out and amuse myself, i pretend i was schizophrenic for the whole day, and i was talking to my imaginary friend serena. serena is a little girl, has one eye, three hairs on her head, like to hang puppies and kill babies. i think i freaked a few people out. but i found myself hilariously funny to be honest. must be my sick twisted humour.

oh yeah and i had rock climbing. i learnt several new knots and how to coil rope. interesting..i know.

oh and one more thing: my hand's still as brown as it has been three days ago.

i'm expecting for it to go in about three weeks :|

yeah anyway goodbye for now, i daresay i've said too much again

she's got a ticket to ride

Well, today has really been a very..unproductive day, the word i like to use. i had a rather neutral mood today actually, because of the weather. I hate it when, like, it's grey and cloudy and the clouds seem really close, like they're going to close over you or something. yeah it was like that today. it was cold as well. loads of people are talking about it being cold now. I love how whenever people have run out of something to say, or the conversation's ended and it's awkward people say: i'm so cold. ok i admit to doing that quite a few times myself. anyway, i've been told i write too much so i'm going to keep this shorter.

Nothing actually happened today, i've just been watching south park since i came home. i'm sorry but butters is the best south park character ever, he's sssoo cute

Oh, and happy birthday nathalie! i said i'd do this didn't i?

OH wait, i had an argument with my friend today. i kind of lost my cool and kicked her. i hope that didn't hurt too much, sorry. you guys really did hit a nerve though hmm. but yeah i'm going to not get so offended by stuff, and just let it absorb. and if i do get offended by stuff i'm just going to let it pass, there's no need for any more anger really.

OH and i need to let paranoid feelings go and accept myself really, wether people like me or not. i'm not going to change for ANYONE. there's a personal target for myself, as not biting my nails obviously didn't work. let's see how long this attitude lasts hmm.

i've said oh too much, but oh well

i'm still excited about this whole blog business - i think everyone else should get one too :)

day 1 woooo

the initial excitement of getting a blog hasn't worn off yet

i'm having a lot of fun really

but anyway

i know you all really want to hear about my..eventful day

ok so i woke up this morning in a bad mood, it's not usually a good sign. i have CCF today as well, which is a general dampener. it's like, it's ok whilst i am at ccf, but in the morning i always dread it, and that feeling generally builds up throughout the day. spent maths in a boring state, i got told that i'd be getting detention if i didn't do more work. the sad thing is, i understand it all, it's just so pathetically boring that i really can't summon the strength to do it. that makes me sound slightly big headed. i guess i am quite big headed actually, i'm not good at maths guys don't worry. yeah anyway, erm i can't remember my other lessons, so they can't have been very..interesting. Registration was..fun. Delightful Dr Agnostopolous decided to be be irksome as usual. i'm sorry but i really can't control my temper around that man. he claimed i was, "late" even though i was IN the room, but for some reason i have to be standing behind my chair. why do people stand up for teachers anyway? i don't like it, it makes them seem incredibly superior, probably to boost THEIR self esteem and give them a false sense of control, but whatever. my day. he decided to get the head of year, and they both gave me yet another lecture of how i'm extremely badly behaved and how i haven't made any improvement and they've had to give up all their time and how i'm incredibly selfish, nothing special, all that palava. is it palava? i seem to be a "problem child." although i'm really not, i just can't stand injustice. like being blamed for "letting the whole form down." yes, he said that guys. me? yes. he did. you're probably thinking. the injustice of it all. well you should.

YEAH ANYWAY, we had chemistry last and i thought it would be a good idea to pour silver nitrate all over my hand. I'm left with brown lines all over it that make me look like i have a disfiguring skin disease. one of my not so clever ideas.

after school, i decided not to go to ccf as i'd get in trouble for not having my berret or anything, so i went with jee eun to do her chores, well, chores as it were.

i think i have bad karma for not going to ccf, as AGAIN, i said to myself: i bet i'm going to see the person i DON'T want to see today. the came walking down the high street. after that i got steadily more depressed really. we went to clintons, where i just thought about how pointless all the masses of cards where, how they'd all get thrown away, and how many trees get cut down for that pointless reason. i decided i hate cards. don't get me any for my birthday guys. then we went to the bank, where i waited, and looked at all the boring middle aged people, and got scared i'd be like them, void of feelings practically. isn't it that every middle aged person you see has a neutral look on their face? yeah i hate that. then i saw a lady about fourty wearing all blue, and different shades and oh dear, it made me even more depressed. then i noted the interior design of the bank. the walls were pale green and the carpet was grey with those depressing patterns you get on powerpoint slides. yeah so i went home, where a mound of homework awaited, and my mother made me embark on a ridiculous DIY project to build a chair. oh and my brother kept following me when i REALLY needed space. so i went to sleep, woke up, and got a blog. i feel better now, you'll be pleased to know.

anyway i've written FAR too much. the little number of followers i may have earned, their interest is probably waning right about now. oh well

maria's very first blog post, well, i think so

wait so, is this a blog?

ok let us just assume it is, i daresay i haven't quite got the hang of this yet

so, blogs hmm?

i'm generally not very interested in these kind of things, but after reading my dear friend lizzie's i think i'll give it a go. hi lizzie btw, if you happen to be here

i guess first blogs are introductory right? as all thing are

so, i'm maria, not an altogether pleasant name, it means bitter. According to facebook anyway

i'm kind of a normal kid i guess. well at least, i'm in the position to be a normal kid, i don't think i'm quite "normal" though. i've been told that i'm a bit weird, a bit of freak, the general. Even though, i could be, define normal? i could be normally and everyone else could be weird and we'll never know. anyway i tend to go on a bit too much, and go into topics unrelated and what not

I love the beatles, could talk about them for ages and they're my absolute favourite band

i like music alot actually, especially the cure, jack penate, the kinks, blur, laura marling, kate nash, sonic youth, stuff like that really..

I'm quite temperamental and i tend to be quite..sad at times

i can sometimes be happy, but i'm not sure that it's really happiness or what i kid myself to believe. I'm probably just saying that cause i'm in a bad mood though, someone once said to me that someone else said that: "it's good to talk to maria when you're depressed because she's the only one who's more depressed than you."

nice to know, hmm?

i tend to have quite odd mannerisms, and i'm known for singing/talkign to myself pretending to be horrid henry and what not and generally being weird in lessons. i can't help it though, i just get distracted.

alright anyway, enough of this, i'm going to talk about my days, as i gather that's what you should do