who put all those things in your head? things that make me feel like i'm mad

nothing interesting happened today. my hand's still brown. the whole class had an argument with dr ag today. i love how most people who don't like him have absolutely no reason not to like him, but just like to say they do cause they want to fill their completely bland lives with something to say and something to complain about. same with homework. i've said this before, but people who make every one of their statuses "omg tooo much homework!" "i hate homework!" are probably boring people. homeworks the last resort if you reaally can't think of anything. or unless you really are drowning in a sea of it. but i bet most of the times people just like to complain. yeah anyway, i'm in a good mood today, kind of. i've had a day like all the others with slight lapses of paranoia and depression and what not. but i'm forgetting about it all and letting the stream flow and take me along with it and drop me off somewhere else, hopefully a place where i know more.

omg, the cure - how beautiful you are.

i just listened to it properly for the first time, and read the lyrics

it just made me cry

it's so sad and makes me wonder

i like songs that make you think and look at the world in a different way

ok i'm going to listen to a happy song now or risk, yes, this "circle" of bad thoughts

octopuses garden, beatles. "i'd like to be, under the sea, in an octopus's garden beneath the shore"

sorry blabbering on about uninteresting stuff

i love how a generally boring day should only be a few lines yet i somehow manage to write so much more.

anyway, today i'm telling myself yet again i'm going to change. well, i'm going to do things that make me feel better? things that will get me temporary self contentment, or at least i hope they will. so i'm going to make a list...

1. care more about my self image. i've let my image go into decline, not caring about my hair or anything. i think if i look better i'm going to feel better.

2. get more more clothes. because clothes always make me happier. i need more tights. and patterned leggings. and some kind of tops. and a new dress. oh and a skirt. and more knee high socks. i really can't wait until it gets really cold - i can finally wear big woolly jumpers again :D:D

3. EAT PROPERLY and start exercising again. cut down on junk food and only eat wholesome foods, and start doing sit ups again, i've put on weight

4. spend more time relaxing, chilling out, reading. i tend to get really stressed and paranoid etc, i basically need to manage my time better

5. STOP WORRYING ABOUT FRIENDS! :) maria everyone DOES like you. and if they don't, that's ok, it's their choice, and i probably don't really care either. and if they don't at the moment, it will ALL GET BETTER. as i say to people, time will straighten out whatever creases there may currently be. i think it's just because i'm grounded. when i get ungrounded and start going out again and stuff i'm sure i'll be FINE :D

6. Stop thinking about things that will never happen. I need to completely extinguish the still flickering candle that despite what i say, has not gone out. i need to get rid of it, i think that's one of the reasons i'm generally more of a subdued depressed person these days. i need something new :) and that WILL COME. i just need to be patient.

7. WRITE STORIES AND POETRY. i used to write poetry, but i just..can't again. i don't know why. i think when i get sad i need to do that. also, it will be good for me to write stories, as that's what i've been told i'm good at. well...i am working on a "story." but it's not, ahem, suitable for all kinds of audiences. i'm not allowed to talk about this story, so i shant say anything. you can probably guess what it is.

8. START APPRECIATING NATURE MORE. I need to go on more walks and trips to the forest and stuff, because nature makes me really, really happy and content. especially now that it's autumn. anyone want to go to banstead forest? :) it's lovely there

9. BE MYSELF! i've been told to be myself. and that's what i'll do. i'm going to be 100% genuine all of the time. if you think i'm attention seeking, shame. because i don't try to. and i mean that. ok i used to, but i've changed since a year ago. it might not look like it. hmm

OK yeah anyway that's it for now. i think i've written too much again

I have quite alot of love right now

I love everyone actually, if i think about it