break my body, hold my bones

WELL today's been ok. My weekend's generally been ok.

I'll tell you all about today, i would tell you about yesterday but my FATHER stopped me when i was right in the spirit, and i just don't feel it today. I saw new moon basically, it wasn't very good.

And today, I saw paranormal activity; it was actually hilarious. What have horror films come to these days? I basically watched one and a half hours or so of doors creaking and things going "bump" in the night. the end was the only actual scary part, but all in all it was very hyped up. i went to Macdonalds after that. I hate Macdonalds, it actually makes me feel depressed. Look at the people there, and i'm pretty sure most of them are depressed dejected people in dark green raincoats with thin hair who have bad lives: so they eat Macdonalds everyday. Macdonalds is practically destroying food, in a way. More and more people have started eating there on a daily basis; they don't even realize what they're eating, and as Macdonalds tastes like puerile shit, that becomes the norm. Eating becomes a necessity, not an enjoyment. it's kind of sad, i think.

Yeah anyway, I ran home in the rain, and felt temporary "happiness," even though it was very short lived. Poetic lines were flying through my head and every tree and raindrop seemed so fresh and new, and i just couldn't wait to inhale the fresh, cold air again and again. I had a conversation with myself about how nice it all is, and danced all the way down the road. I realize that might appear weird, but it was truly refreshing, talking to yourself helps you arrange things in your mind. anyway i told myself the same old "if you love the world and yourself then everyone will appear so much better." i got home and played articulate with my family and got pissed off at my mum and brother. Whenever my family try and have some "quality time" it always escalates in my mum pointing out all my faults, my brother telling my dad all the bad things i've ever done out of nowhere because he's a malicious rascal, and then so on so forth until no-one wants to play anymore.

Then i went on facebook and everyone else pissed me off. so much for that, huh? I really have got to be more tolerant. But can i just say what really, REALLY is annoying me? my list must span on for miles by now, but, when people have about TEN PEOPLE in their msn screen names. it annoys me how most of these people don't even care about each other. And when people put the most pointless "jokes times" on there. "ice cream and muffin cakes" or something of that variation. I understand if something's actually FUNNY. but i very much doubt that people laugh their hearts out by calling each other names like "muffin" or "lemon" or something equally annoying. I use the word "annoying" a lot. i really need to think of more interesting alternatives. Yeah anyway sorry if this applies to you and you're just casting an awkward glance around the room and feeling unsettled right about now. I should probably be shutting up now

Tomorrow should be fun. Monday. Woo. wake up in the dark, walk out in the rain. school, get criticized and my uniform scrutinized. go home, go on the computer until i go to sleep. FUN TIMES.

we treat mishaps like sinking ships

well today's been SHIT

i've pretty much spent the majority of the day crying to myself

and i don't even know why

then the next second i'm perfectly fine

i really think i do have bi polar

but everyone thinks they have it, so i'm not going to say so.

"I'VE GOT SUCH BAD MOOD SWINGS OMG, I MUST HAVE BI POLAR"

that pretty much applies to all blunders and flaws, as it were

"I'M SO CLUMSY"

"HAHA, NO, I'M CLUMSIER"

"HEHEH nah you're not clumsy! I'M THE CLUMSIEST."

people, like..want to be the worst

now, i admit to slightly doing this myself at times

but i just watch people who like over-do it and laugh sometimes,

but naturally i don't say anything.

ANYWAY, i didn't write my blog yesterday

so can i say how much i love misfits

and robert sheehan ^^

now that's my kind of boy

it would be nice if they also read alot, pondered a lot, had a disgusting sense of humour, listened to good music and the beatles, had a unique sense of style and a lot of idiosyncrasies

but i realise there's probably no-one like that in a fifty mile radius

oh well

I'm going to take a leaf out of lily's book and use codenames, cause i really need to say something

this is going to feel much easier, but BASICALLY, there's a person called dickens, and they won't stop talking to me. Now, i don't mind dickens, but i really do tire being bombarded by constant "hey, hello, how are you's?" non-stop. i've tried being unresponsive, but it still doesn't work.

i don't really know what to do.

It's not just dickens, it's shakespeare as well. now, i like shakespeare more than dickens. but shakespeare is far, far too nice. Now, i wish shakespeare would just...tone it down a little. but i don't want to be mean because they are actually really nice. ssighh

Also, bronte's been really annoying today. but it's just a mild annoyance, it's already passed

hohoho

i really liked this picture, the photographer must be amazing

john lennon..for anyone who deoesn't who doesn't know

anywaiiz i'm off, my weekend should be pretty fun

seeing new moon and chilling with tha girls tomorrow

then hopefully seeing paranormal activity on sunday

unless a certain someone objects to me being there

but i'll go anyway

HA

i live my dreams today and i'll be living them tomorrow

another quite frankly boring unproductive day full of injustice

i hate teachers even more than i did two days ago

i had to lug around extra textbooks and folders which i DON'T even need, i do all my homework, actually try and get organised, and all stupid bloody mrs etheridge says is: THIS REPORT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE IMPROVING ANYTHING, and she starts nitpicking at little stuff about my uniform: "TODAY YOUR SCARF GOT CONFISCATED AND YOU WORE A CARDIGAN YESTERDAY. what does that have ANYTHING to do with organisation? and the other stupid teachers just looked at me reproachfully and shook their heads like they actually gave a shit GRRR

anyway, i'm going to experiment with outfits and hair and stuff

which is REALLY getting me in a shopping mood, hence a christmasy mood

even though christmas IS a complete waste of trees, think of the millions of trees that are going to be cut down, and the effects that's going to have. so i'm going to try and make the family get an artificial one. even though it would pain me to do so, because i absolutely love lying down underneath it and smelling that fresh pine leaf smell. AND it is sad if you think about it, because think about all the extra hours those poor Malaysian children are going to have to work to make more toys so our stupid little children can get them and throw them away after about a year. and what will these little children be getting? well, absolutely nothing. that's hardly fair, so considering that i'm going to try so hard to be grateful for what i have.

Despite that, i really can't wait. I LOVE festivities, giving presents, wearing warm clothes, drinking a hot cup of tea after going out in the cold, christmas stalls, mulled wine, christmas pudding, snow. AND getting presents of course. I'm going to compose a christmas list. I doubt i'll be getting half of this, but BE GRATEFUL, maria.

1. A CAT. I want a cat SO MUCH, seeing as my rabbit just got eaten. LOOL. sorry, but cats are so much better than dogs. my brother and mum want a dog. they're blundering and hyper and annoying. cats are intelligent and surprising and beaauutiful. maybe i want a ragdoll cat. they are SO CUTE

2. DOC MARTENS. preferably flower patterned ones. SO NICE

3. MY COMPUTER IN MY ROOM. I HAVE BEEN BEGGING MY PARENTS FOR AGES

4. MONEY. but who doesn't

5. A new dress, a LOT of new hair accessories, a new skirt new shorts, lots of new clothes

6. Books, a lot of books because i can never be bothered to walk to the library

7. Lots of beatles things - i can never get enough. OMG A BEATLES PINBALL MACHINE.

WHAT I WOULDN'T DO FOR ONE OF THESE

8. makeup

9. a lot of cds and posters, i need to finish my room

10. ornaments and stuff to decorate my room with

Generally, i'll only get like, five of that list, but let us hope for the best

but life's good, sort of; letting it flow as usual. well, trying to.

look at the stars, look how they shine for you

WELL

well well well

i'm a bit annoyed

and rightly so, i should think

and no, i'm keeping my resolution

i have abstained so far: day two, woo

but, can i just tell you all how i have wasted

a whole hour of my life, being exceptionally awkward

and wanting to hit someone. BASICALLY, the school thought

they'd look "concerned" and invited my dad to discuss my progress

ok this is too much effort trying to make my words follow a pyramid pattern

but it adds fun diversity don't you think? ANYWAY, rambling, sorry. so basically, i had to endure three of my "concerned teachers" shoot utter crap about how they were concerned and wanted me to do well. they don't give a shit if i fail, because it will be them looking bad, and they only want to save their own necks. I had to stop myself from laughing, they were so ludicrous. Even my dad seemed to think so. I spoke to my dad for the first time in ages, and discussed stabilising the economy and space travel. I might just have to be cliché here and say "God, i'm cool." I realise I do this all the time, but i realised how annoying it sounds so i'm going to try and stop saying all these stupid catchphrases.

As I expected, my attitude to people hasn't changed at all. I don't think it ever will. BUT, my attitude to LIFE has changed. I didn't worry once today, which is pretty cool. I'm detaching myself from any kind of negligible trifles that used to bother me so. SO i was, well, happy. Even though happiness is deceit, just like hope, and i don't like those sorts of things. Anyway, thinking about all of this is going to make me worry, and i'm listening to coldplay, which isn't exactly the best "feel good" music. I'm in a mood for old beatles, eight days a week, can't buy me love, please please me, all those classsics.

I have a quote for you all, even though people in my english class will already have read this, i take it very close to heart. It's from our book antigone, and when told to "live, and be happy" she replies with:

"I spit on your happiness! I spit on your idea of life--that life that must go on, come what may. You are all like dogs that lick everything they smell. You with your promise of a humdrum happiness--provided a person doesn't ask much of life. I want everything of life, I do; and I want it now! I want it total, complete: otherwise I reject it! I will not be moderate. I will not be satisfied with the bit of cake you offer me if I promise to be a good little girl. I want to be sure of everything this very day; sure that everything will be as beautiful as when I was a little girl. If not, I want to die!"

Makes you think, doesn't it. Even though it's quite depressing

so on a less depressing note: my mother came back from Romania yesterday and got me a fur coat, and a ring :D:D:D that's one thing off my Christmas list. I REALLY want doc martens though

SO MUCH

the flower patterned ones, or light pink ones or dark purple ones or light blue ones

flower patterned ones are £85 though. saddening, but then again, if we wished to get everything we wanted, "want" and "wish" wouldn't exist, and with the abolishment of that, neither would satisfaction, and that would make nothing seem valuable anymore. think about that. anyway, i can see i've spoken too much yet again. but there's so much to say when the world is so full of colour and word and opinion and idea. it's quite beautiful if you think about it

it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me: and i'm feeling good

Ok, so i'm writing in my blog again. I knew I'd be overtaken by this urge sometime.

I feel changes must be made, and today is a day of new beginnings.

I've allowed my life to descend and I haven't even cared that I have been estranging myself from everyone by this wall of bitterness and hate. So, I will compose a list, yes a list, but i beseech everyone to read this, because I truly extend to all of you with heartfelt apology. To everyone I have laughed at because of your clothes, to everyone I have bitched about continuously and then pretended to like them to their face, to everyone that might care that i didn't care back, I'm sorry. I'm going to try and be a more tolerant person, and I will stop over analysing your behaviour with frantic haste, and hating you and the world even more for it. I think I owe a few apologies in particular, and they probably know who they are. Actually, they probably don't because i pretend to be nice to them. Oh dear...

ANYWAY, as from now i am not drinking or smoking for a year, i don't need alcohol or drugs to enjoy myself, and maybe this way when I'm out I'll actually get to know people better, instead of drunkenly insulting them. I sheepishly apologise to you all, again. So i vow to do the following:

1. I vow to actually care about school. Too long it has been that i have neglected my school work, and i've just been in pointless detentions when i could be doing something more constructive with my time.

2. As i said above, I vow not to drink, smoke or do anything bad for a year. I'm pretty sure this will fail, but let's give it a go

3. I vow to stop bitching about people. Actually this will never work, but it's worth a try.

4. I vow to be a better, more pleasant person, and to appreciate the world, and to stop being so depressed and doing stuff to myself. because, Jee eun was right: If i think the world is bad, I need to do good things to make it better.

SO, to conclude: i'm sorry everyone. Maybe we can start a clean slate? I'm saying this to a few people in particular who i don't really talk to properly anymore, and which i regret because they are very interesting deep down, i'm sure. They probably won't be reading this because I'm nothing to them, I think. But it's worth a try, is it not? And of course, sorry to those people who i DO talk to, who I've been a spiteful arrogant prick to.