tearing me down every time you smile, every shining time you arrive

i woke up this morning with sunny day real estate stuck in my head, which made me feel depressed early in the morning and it looks like today's going to be a depressing day, so i'll listen to something more upbeat.

further festivities have proceeded christmas, so it's just been a time of wine, chocolate, food, and more presents. Two days ago i got a beautiful juicy couture bracelet that must have cost a fortune, more books, and perfume from various family friends, which was nice. yesterday i spent another unproductive day in front of the computer, what joy. i downloaded a lot of music though: lady gaga's album, which is surprisingly good, some LCD soundsystem because everyone goes on about it and i wanted to see if they were good or not. they're ok...in small doses. I also downloaded some more Modest Mouse, because before i'd never really had the chance to judge if they were good or not. I've decided I prefer the older stuff they did; i don't like their energetic songs. but yeah enough about that. I've been so sedentary lately, I've just been inside all day not doing much or reading. I'm reading a brief history of time by stephen hawking, which answers all my questions, but i don't understand it!

Also, something weird's happening to me and i don't know what, or why. I can't sleep nowadays, at all. I stay up 'til about two, generally cleaning my room :| which i never do, or just sorting out my clothes. and when i do turn off the light i have scary dreams and i keep seeing stuff in my room. I don't know what it is honestly, so i'm just going to let it pass to having a too-vivid imagination. Anyway, you know when you try and make yourself stop thinking something, but it just gets worse: i think that's it.

Today hopefully i'm going to go shopping, again, to get MORE clothes. I'm obsessed; I look forward to getting ready more than i actually do going out. Then I'm going to a "girly" sleepover. It's fun from time to time. Hah, I practically haven't seen a boy apart from my brother this whole holiday. Oh well that doesn't matter, i'll take what life brings me.

Anyway time to get ready again, i'm excited because i'm going to wear my new skirt that i haven't worn yet :|

simply having a wonderful christmas time

i never knew that song was by Paul McCartney

anyway, merry christmas y'all

hopefully you're all merry and happy

tis the season to be jolly, after all

i can tell you, i'm rather jolly

and only because of material goods as well, god i'm shallow

i finally got my doc martens, in beautiful green

i also got a sonic youth t-shirt, god save the queen one, a lovely hat with a big bobble on it, a trench coat, the long-awaited loose high waisted skirt, a statue of buddha, hehe, "a brief history of time" by stephen hawkings, oh god, so many books

a philosophy one, to kill a mockingbird, the great gatsby

and a whole range more that i'm so excited about

but i can't start any until i finish mansfield

oh i do love books, the joy and ideas they bring

anyway, now i'm about to go to my grandfather's for lunch

and the following days also bring further festivities and gifts: my brother's godparents are coming tomorrow; what lovely and intelligent people they are. then we're having a family friends gathering, with more presents. then i'll probably go out, then NEW YEAR'S and hopefully parties. THEN more days to relax/go out. THEN school again and back to my comfortable routine. life really does look favourable, despite the fact that my social life really is failing. but i don't even care, hohoho

now goodbye everyone, i doubt anyone is reading my garrulous blog anyway: they're probably enjoying the festivities with much zeal and frivolity. or at least, trying to. so goodbye, i shant stall you any longer

live, drink and be happy my friends

HAI HAI MILI GE ASAND DELE MILI SOMETHING SOMETHIGN

listening to asian tunes, and not even taking the piss. hehe

I have a few things to say to everyone today, and i'm tired; no monotonous dragged-out soliloquy for you today.

1. James May is possibly the funniest man to roam the earth. I've been watching top gear re-runs on dave all day; yet another unproductive day

2. After reading and re-reading the difference between semi-colons and colons i still don't know when to use either of them: fail. oh god, i hate fail, what am i doing?

3. IT'S NOT BOOK'S, CD'S, TAPE'S OR VIDEO'S; WHO EVER SAYS THIS NEEDS TO DIE.

4. Katherine Mansfield may be one of the most influential authors to date. I'm reading some stories by her at the moment, and they're beauutiful; the style is perfect.

5. It's not cool to have extensive families on facebook. It doesn't make you look like you have more friends. It just makes you look like an attention-seeking douche.

'Scuse the bad punctuation; i'm tired and it's late

And Dan's telling me to get off the computer because it's late.

BYE EVERYONE.

i'm finally going out tomorrow.

fun times.

how long has it been, shall we get into it again?

haven't written for about a week. i wrote a blog yesterday, but felt self-conscious about writing too many short sentences, so i deleted it all. life's feeling quite..innovative and arty. in my solitude i have been reading a lot of arty books, decorated my room, and all sorts. i think tomorrow's going to be a solitary day too. my social life actually fails recently. but i have a new philosophy: every second of my life will be spent how i want to spend it. and most of the time, i do what i feel i must do so i don't feel like a social retard; including talking to people i don't necessarily want to talk to. so, when i feel like going out, i shall. i've been like this for quite a while now, and i'm sort of happy. heh, happy. i felt sad today though, in the train, and the underground. but trains and undergrounds depress me generally, so it's ok. anyway, today has been a gooood day: i went to camden and bought doc martens, finally, in dark green. i also bought a sonic youth + god save the queen tshirt, and a loose denim high waisted skirt, and posters. i was so hapy. then i went to a chinese restaurant, ate too much and felt fat, then went on this scary ride in Leicester square. adrenaline is beeautiful. anyway, at the moment i'm kind of sad. the holiday's feel weird, and even though i like being alone, i guess it's to an extent; i really need to go out. i have nothing to do and the internet is horribly boring, and i don't feel creative. i might just go and eat away my boredom, and regret it later. bye y'all.

we're sgt. pepper's lonely hearts club band, we hope you will enjoy the show

oh i haven't written in here for like, a week. no inspiration, again. I think the lack of food is making me a thoroughly unmotivated, lethargic person. I've embarked on a physiological examination of what happens if you don't eat. so far i've been, uh, doing it for two weeks? I want to see what it does to my behaviour, and if it makes me "forget my problems" like it makes some people. Yeah so far i've just lost quite a bit of weight, my bones are prominent again, i really like it actually. I'm all-round skinnier, which is safe. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels :)

but i must admit, i feel very drained, tired, uninspired. I can't think either. Or feel sad. I don't think I like being apathetic. I'm going to do this until new year i think, and see what i'm like then. Unless i become a raging anorexic/bulimic. hah. I doubt it.

Yeah anyway my week has been kind of weird. I guess I could say it's been good because of unforeseen circumstances. But i'm quite worried on how much my happiness relies on former circumstances. sigh. Sorry i'm being "naive" and "cryptic"

but honestly certain things are quite easy to guess, even though i don't particularly want people to know.

I'm not very excited for christmas to be honest. I'm trying, but i just don't feel it. i guess that's not a bad thing, just a neutral thing.

I have been quite jokes recently though, to myself. no-one else finds me that funny really, but if something amuses me, whether it amuses others is trivial to me.

I AM looking forward to the holidays though. I get scared that i'm going to be doing nothing all holiday though. this year's gone so quick. and yet, quite a lot has happened. I've managed to find my niche, which is the most beautiful thing. i've been hurt though. ew that sounds annoying. I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, though. Heh i've developed a side to me i didn't have before, anyway. i think i love it. my despondent, cynical, misanthropic, masochistic side. I've still got my optimistic, peaceful "i love the world and nature" side. but i guess the other one is usually more prominent. yeah sorry apparently a blog isn't meant to be about you. it's meant to be about other things. so, sorry...

when they get what they want, they never want it again

haven't posted in a while. truth be told, nothing interesting's been going on. nothing interesting usually does go on: acknowledged. Life's kind of ok, for me. Before that, can i tell you how much i love hole at the moment? i don't care if people say courtney love is a bitch; she's amazing. and i've been reading a lot at the moment: I just finished brave new world; amazing, inspiring book. opened a lot of windows for me, thought-wise. I do realise that my abundant sprinkling of semi-colons and colons is probably incorrect, by the way. Yeah anyway, now I'm reading pride and prejudice. I actually really, really like it: I didn't think I would. I find myself warming to the characters, and the way they behave in that time is fascinating.

OK, anyway, anyway, today has been a weird day. I don't know what i've been feeling really, and it's passed in a bit of a blur. I said to myself I'd remember this day, because people always forget days, and each day is as important as each other. Oh i don't really know, I just felt something. Yeah anyway, i got lectured by the head of languages, because I was "rude" to a supply teacher. Can I say, this SUPPLY teacher actually said to me: you think you're so clever. and, highly affronted, i retorted back. but to be honest, who wouldn't? yeah and I heard teachers bitching about me: they really have nothing better to do. I hope I don't become a teacher, having to pretend to care about the well-being of little shits I really don't care about and having to be kind to fellow colleagues. I listen to them talking to each other; it makes me wince. I really hope i don't have to do that. yeah anyway i had a detention; awfully tedious. walked to cheam in the dark. I felt happy again: nature is really beautiful in the dark. Especially the trees, and how the iridescent street lights reflect onto them and their shadow on the ground, and how their silhouette is shown against it. oh i don't know i can't say it, words float around my mind then but can't arrange themselves properly. but simple things like breathing the cold air and looking at every tree makes me feel happy to be alive. Then I got on the bus and loads of sad looking people wearing raincoats were sitting probably thinking about sad things. I really can't stand raincoats, i know. the dark green ones from millets drive me over the edge. But anyway, that sure ruined my mood. I got less depressed soon though; walking through sutton and listening to snippets of conversations: "WHY DON'T YOU BECOME A FULL TIME DAD THEN, I'VE FUCKING HAD IT, DON'T FUCKING TELL ME I CAN'T WORK." coming from a 19-year old sharp, angry chav with dyed blonde hair, to a moronic 19 year-old looking boy chav with a monotonous, dull voice. oh and can i say, what REALLY makes me laugh is poseur skater boys who can't skate, who are about ten. they're always in sutton. i see them attempting still jumps and shit skateboarding tricks. I failed when i was that age. maybe i fail now, i don't know. but still; SO FUNNY

yeah anyway taliho, i've probably spoken a lot of rubbish. but then again, everyone thinks they speak a load of rubbish.

other girls left and other girls came i can't get over my old flame

well that's a bit annoying. I just wrote my whole blog, then my brother decided to unplug the cable because i wouldn't give him the sound.

...

oh i really can't be bothered to write this again

sorry ¬¬

oh they have a way, a way to make you pay, and to make you toe the line

I've become quite aware of my writing style; reading through other people's blogs and other various things has made me self-conscious. what if i sound annoying like certain shakespeareans? I can't let this shakespearean thing go, i know, i know, but he's so - UH I DON'T KNOW - ostentatious? pretentious?

I'm not going to bother talking about my day, i just got told off again. It's ironic how i'm on report for organisation and i forget my report. I had climbing today, i didn't actually climb. I just discussed fashion with sophie. I need so many new clothes. Was that grammar right? probably not. Yeah anyway, I need: A tweed blazer, black lace leggings, a shapeless beige high wasted skirt, a vintage WHITE loose band t-shirt, some kind of top, a new jewellery collaboration, a new dress, new shorts. Oh dear.

Anyway, i've been downloading a lot of music at the moment, and discovering new bands, or extending my library of bands i already know. I'll tell you about bands i particularly like at the moment. Actually, no, i'll make another post all to music, today or in another day. It's misfits soon, anyway: it's actually the highlight of my weekday.

Social situations? Orwell and Huxley were bosoming up to each other again today. surprise... Also, i feel so awkward when i'm in between Hemingway and Golding. They're constantly thrust into each other's company, it's kind of funny to watch the friction between them when they're in a typical "awkward friends" situation. But I feel kind of sad if I'm talking to Hemingway, Golding will ask me to come and talk to them vice versa. Yeah most people won't know what i'm rabbiting on about, sorry about that.

Can i add something onto my incessantly expanding list of things that annoy me? Poseurs, but especially music poseurs. People who like a certain type of music related to a certain stereotype. These people don't FEEL it at all, they just listen to it as like, an attachment almost to their stereotype. That's really degrading I think... I admit to doing this in the past, in my poseur days, but I have fully grown out of this now, and I can look back and harbour a secret (well, not so secret) indignation (is that the word?) for this sort of behaviour.

Yeah anyway, uh, I'm kind of happy at the moment. I guess I'm in that temporary mind frame where the world just looks good and promising; people who I'm secretly contemptuous towards seem almost favourable. Times ahead just look good. It's Friday tomorrow, then weekend, that should hopefully be fun. I've decided to abandon the whole no drinking thing: I've decided I'm going to be happy drunk. Something in my mind's just telling me that I can be. Cool...

let me take you down, 'cause i'm going to strawberry fields

nothing is real, and nothing to get hung about

strawwberrryyy fieldss forevverr

omg i miss this song so much, i haven't heard it in aages

i've actually had an alright day, funnily enough

i usually don't have alright days. it's usually annoying days, or really shit days. the occasional quite good day.

actually today's been quite annoying. I get picked on. this isn't actually funny. today in RS, i got a three in my report and got moved because i was speaking, ONCE. In registration i got told to see dr anagnostopolous after school; i didn't even get a warning. I didn't go, hello, another pointless after-school detention

PLEASED TO MEET YOU ¬¬

oh and i had to see mrs shirley after school anyway. I actually don't know what i do.

someone's getting beef from mrs etheridge. oh well, i don't even care.

i might sound like certain shakesperians ranting on my blog all the time

BUT, OK

facebook groups are annoying as it is

i decided to read through all the groups, AND NEARLY ALL OF THEM WERE SPELLED WRONG, or they had misplaced commas or apostrophes. The sad thing is, NO-ONE notices. I'm fighting a losing battle. Call me pernickety, but it's actually so FUCKING annoying.

and huxley and orwell are driving me INSANE. I'm surprised orwell's even persevering this long, in the complex social network she doesn't even need huxley anymore. Obviously, her primary goal is to secure a safe, high ground in the weird spindly cobweb we've all spun. I guess no-one's safe though. we all come and go. hah, people are practically like fashion crazes. but they get boring soon; no-one wants last years jeans anymore. I feel sorry for last year's jeans. I'm sure this hypothetical person is a very nice person, really. Actually, not so much hypothetical, "last year's jeans" can apply to a lot of people. sigh...

contemplating on all this makes me kind of sad. I have no idea where i am on this cobweb. Thinking about it will make me sad. I say I hate the whole thing, yet i want to be liked, really.

i don't know, so much for relaxing and floating downstream.

oh, and I find it so funny when people don't get irony

today i've made, well, rather a lot of ironic jokes, or hinted at irony in an ironic situation

no-one got it

oh well, shame that

ok goodbye everyone, i'm going to have fun, uh, staring at the computer..waiting for something to happen on facebook

karma police, arrest this man

no inspiration today..