it's funny when people try and sound powerful, but it fails.

it's also funny when people try and sound "ranty" and like to set themselves apart from a group they blatantly belong to.

it's also funny when people pretend to be interested in something, but then they take it over the top and it's obvious to see they're not interested at all.

i thought about those three points for a while, and i don't personally think i'm being a hypocrite saying that. feel free to think otherwise, i'm a hypocrite in every sense of the word, and aren't we all.

i'm annoyed today, i've been a bitch to everyone all day for my intense amusement. i got locked out of my house and had to stand in the rain for a long time. i would say it was karma, but i realised there's no such thing as karma, or luck. because everything that happened would have happened anyway, regardless of what you did before it or not. for example, i forgot my key today, and my brother who had the keys was at homework club and came back later. these would have happened whether i had been a bitch or not. just because something good happens, does not mean it's luck, it just means that something good has happened when you have wanted it to, which is not uncommon. it happens just about as many times as something bad happens.

wow, how nice is this? why can't the sky look like this here?

bruges

how lovely is that? people houses were hanging over the canal, it's so pretty. all these pictures are in a weird order.

ignore my face please. ignore my face on most of these

again, ignore my face. and my incredibly neeky brother. we ate full lobsters and oysters, which are disgusting. everyone in belgium is so nice, and when they give you tea, the give you a glass of hot water and you do it yourself and they give you cake along with it. they don't do that in england :(

most of the day we just looked at old belgian buildings and went to art galleries, so it was a pretty cultural weekend

mmmm i love this

i love the little alleyways as well, everyone goes round on bikes there

pretty things i wasn't allowed to get. my dad was being stingy, i really wanted a lace parasole, so i could walk around in the sun looking like i've come out of the victorian times, but i'm "already odd enough" according to mon pere, so i just got a pretty little tapestry-esque purse.

we went all the way up that tower, and we saw the whole of bruges for miles around

i like

typical ferry picture

anyway, it was a really nice holiday actually, even though my brother just picked at me constantly and my dad got us lost, and we missed the market, AND we couldn't go to the salvador dali gallery, which i really wanted to see; we went to other galleries though, so it was ok.

i'm glad to hear nothing to spicy went down while i was away, and tomorrow i'm just going to have a day of sloth and doing nothing, before school starts again. but then in two weeks, i'm off to le beau paris!

it's just what all young lovers do

i'm listening to the maccabees, i don't really like them, but about your dress is nice

i did something social for the second time this week. well, i just went round my friends, ate a lot of food, "caught up," played scrabble and watched horror films. so just like, a mellow day really. we watched poltergeist, which was awful. i love horror films, but i still have to see one which will proper scare me and send shivers down my spine. most horror films don't really, stick, because you know that it's all being directed and i can imagine it all being filmed etc. anyway, most of them are hysterically funny because they're so fake.

i've been packing for belgium tomorrow, and i have to go to sleep early. early meaning ten thirty, ridiculously early. still taking more photos. that's what i wore today. all the pictures of my face were too ridiculously butters. i cut my hair in a vain attempt to make myself feel better, but none of the pictures look nice, so i can't put it up. i have a block fringe now. my grandfather gave me that scarf yesterday. all the old people stared at me when i got on the bus today. i've never seen a more depressing bus. there was not ONE person younger than 50. i had to listen to their dull conversations hoping i'd never be that old. i'm hoping to die pretty young. as Kurt Cobain said "it's better to go with a bang than fizzle out with a pop." i want to die at the peak of my life, i'll die happiest, and i don't think i can bear waking up day after day knowing i'm slowly heading to decline.

erm, depressing things aside, i realised i find 40-50 ish men so attractive. The fitch twins' dad in skins is so good looking. same as colin firth. when he was in pride and prejudice, mmm. same as dr cox in scrubs. i know it's weird, but he's strangely attractive. jonny depp when he's older also

my dad's screaming at me now. it's ten thirty, oh dear me, i better go to sleep. he frustrates me so much, i haven't gone to sleep at this time for at least five years. i hate sleeping, because i get depressing and disturbing thoughts before i go to sleep, so i make myself as tired as possible, and go to sleep at two or something.

it's your life, it's your party it's so awful

time for yet more diversity, whilst i see if i can post links. this really is such a nice songhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDNZj3dXcFM

yesterday, i went to a good friend of mine's house, and we drank a lot of tea and caught up and i slept over. that was nice. today, i was meant to go to london and beyond retro, nicest shop in the world. but it was raining, which was a bit annoying. i have a lot to say, and it's all sort of jarring up and i can't get it out right. yesterday, i got called a fucking cunt, and got told i was the ugliest thing in the world by a year seven who didn't even know me because i was "getting rude". they're getting mouthier and mouthier. i would never do that to, let's say, a year 13. people need to know their place :

anyway, i'm still excited about the camera and have been taking yet more fruitless pictures. heh, that's what i wore yesterday plus a trench coat. i AM wearing shorts by the way. i don't really dress for the weather because i like knee high socks and wearing long tops over shorts that don't look like shorts - it drives my mother insane. she wants me to be a normal looking romanian girl who wears jeans and trainers and talks in sickly sweet romanian and gives her hugs twnety four seven. heh. i don't complain, i like cold. i like it when you walk outside and the cold rushes past your cheeks and heats them up. i love my necklace although it's a bit cliche accesorize, even though it doesn't come from accesorize. i could literally talk about clothes all day, but that's probably not what people want to hear.

i watched the brits for the first time ever. it was pleasantly entertaining, and i loved liam gallagher. it's nice that lady gaga got all those awards, she really is amazing. thankfully it wasn't all too chipmunk-esque dominated, and apart from jls getting two awards (what the hell) and cheryl cole delivering quite frankly an awful performance, people like florence and the machine and kasabian got awards :)

my wellbeing is ok and at the moment i'm perfectly fine with not doing much, i will need some excitement soon though. i may be going to belgium this weekend, though, that will be nice. damn i have to find alternatives for "nice"

you're a sweet sweet girl, but it's a cruel cruel world

i finally have a camera, my prayers have been answered out of the blue. so, time for some diversity; i've been having a lot of fun with it. today i cried for the first time in ages, it felt really refreshing. then i played mario galaxy, and dressed up. i'm probably going to be following this pattern for the next week, but at least i can find myself more and change undesirable characteristics. i've had the most unsatisfactory "valentine's day," but to me, valentine's day is just another day, so it was ok. i can not stop listening to you were always the one by the cribs.

anyway, i've dyed my hair, and pierced my ear again. i did it without ice or anything, i just stabbed the needle - sterilized, of course - through repeatedly, then i had to do some more stabbing with the earring, and pierce the back of my ear with it's practically blunt surface, hehehe.

> you can't really see the colour there, and it's more purple. but i like what i'm wearing, hehe. the hat and the bracers (is it bracers?) are both my grandfathers, so i think i can safely say they're "vintage."

a lot of clothes claim to be vintage, when they're about five years old. charity shops just say something's vintage when it's ugly and disgusting to make it more appealing. but yeah, and my t-shirt's my beloved sonic youth t-shirt, from camden.

that's my favourite corner of my room. i really do love my room. i did all the decorations myself, my cousins painted the walls (one purple, one stripey) and my friend sophie sprayed graffiti on one wall, and did a collage on the other. most of the posters are from market stalls, the beatles one is from hmv

you were always the one

i went for an hour walk from sutton to cheam and just along roads i hadn't been down before. i felt life everywhere, and i could almost taste it. it was just there and i was in it and it was beautiful, i can't explain. but for the moment that has made me strangely acceptant, and i'm living for the second in front of me.

I bought hair dye today, in black cherry as opposed to red, but i hope it will look ok. i bought a new lipstick too, a really pale one. i love lipstick.

i need to find my camera charger so i can make my blog more diverse

i also need to stop correcting grammar, it does me no favours and i dare say annoys quite a few people. but i just can't help it sometimes

take a broken love song, keep it by your side

time's frozen, and i can't really remember how long it has been for, and there is absolutely no reason why i should be alive right now. i am doing nothing with my life, except complying with other people, being bitter, and waking up every morning and living the same thing over and over again. the constant repetition and dullness makes it seem like nothing, and days are blurring as i'm just idly hanging around, waiting for something interesting to happen. people say i should bring that about myself by making more of an effort socially, but i'd rather have no friends at all than have to be fake and bum people, and hang out with people i don't even like. so it looks like i'm going to be doing shit all this half term. i like about fourty people i know in my little corner of the world at the moment, and most of them don't really like me. anyway, despite all this i find i still can't give a shit, and whatever wants to happen i'll feel the same way about it. which is sort of cool, ish. anyway, after ages of living blandly, when something really colourful comes along, the colours will be even sharper and contrasting, and it will be much nicer to look at.
all of that aside, i'm going to actually do something this half term, so i'm going to write a to do list.
right, uh
1. find some meaning in life, whether be it by talking to people, or reading or whatever
2. try harder to read a brief history of time. also try and read some classics, shakespeare, hardy, etc
3. sort out my music. fix my ipod, get into the position where i can download music again, and organise my ipod library.
4. learn at least three more songs WELL on the ukulele
5. watch many more influential films. and a lot of old school horror films, they're usually the best.
6. Go out at least three times
7. Dye my hair red
8. finish decorating my room, get more posters for my other wall and find some pretty things at various markets etc to make it look nicer
9. have a maz and soph day
10. write something. poetry, whatever.
11. do something crazy
12. get second hole in my left and third hole in my right ear
13. make more friends
14. change attitude towards everyone and see good things in them. ahem
15. find someone who i can relate to on every level, effectively a "boyfriend" "friend with benefits," whatever, but i don't like those terms
16. make a proper diet plan, with plenty of exercise, and preferably a under-1000 calorie intake
17. go for a walk and rediscover the beauty of the countryside and cold british air
18. buy a lot of new clothes
and at least try and be happy. hmmmmmmmm

presents her with the pictures and says these are just ghosts that broke my heart before i met you

i forgot all about laura marling, and the mystery jets. i'm loving listening to them again. Laura Marling has awesome hair. speaking of hair, i'm planning of getting mine cut into shorter layers so it's REALLY big and curly, recutting my fringe and dying it electrifyingly red. my life is falling and becoming boring and i'm not doing anything apart from playing ukulele and studying:| so i need a change. i can now play the chords for somewhere over the rainbow and boats and birds, badly. but still, i'm proud of my achievement. I'd love that down there, but i don't really like the fringe.

i'll be your star, you'll be my sky

i am sick of that song. i have been practising it on the ukulele all day with no prevail. well, some prevail actually. i'm drinking tea from a tea pot and a little tea cup so i feel mighty fine. life is pleasant. naturally it's annoying, but annoying is pleasant. i found something out today that, even though it turns out to be true, didn't bother me at all, and it should have really. so i'm good.

love will tear us apart again

i have five things i want to say to you today

1. the xx are gold. crystalised is such a beauuuuutiful song

2. i got a ukulele today, it's yellow.all because i want to be indie of course.

3. Donnie darko is the most poignant, profound, beautiful, etcetcetc film i have ever seen. i think it even beats sweeney todd. watch it, and watch it now! in a nutshell: it's about a disturbed boy who gets taken into a tangent universe by frank, this weird scary bunny thing but people think he's schizophrenic and oh i don't know i don't know i didn't understand but it was so meaningful and it made me think a lot. oh yeah, and it has an awesome soundtrack, with stuff like joy division and pavement. i need to re-watch it one day.

4. i have no social life seeing as i did nothing social today and am doing nothing social tomorrow

5. i'm beginning to hate photographs. the amount of unecessary photographs capturing the same faces and the same unoriginal outfits and the same neutral stances, and excuses to look cool because you can TAKE PICTURES TOGETHER. photographs are losing their meaning.

ps. check out my stripy wall

she spoke words that would melt in your hand

wow, deep sea life is SO interesting. it's one o clock, and i'm reading about jellyfish and whales. hmm. anyway, did you know that whales make the loudest noises on earth? for animals, that is. you can hear them from 500 miles away. and they're about seven times louder than an airplane. and did you know that the biggest jellyfish in the world is something like 36.5 metres. that's really scary. anyway, i had another one of those days that just pass and you forget about them, and they just unnecessarily fill up your life. i didn't go to school, and did jack all. This weekend looks like it's going to be the same.

.

i just had a lie in until 1 o clock, and then decided to go on an eating binge, so now i feel ill, and fat, and thoroughly disenheartened. Anyway, I realised telling people about my day isn't what a blog should be, so time for changes.

Erm

erm

erm

erm

erm

i have nothing to write about that more than one million people are doing already.

I tried to start a journal recording all the thoughts I ever have, yesterday. But that's already failed, and i'm going to proceed to rip it up.

I do nothing with my life. Nothing.

I don't even "party" anymore.

I just waste away with thoughts that no-one wants to hear, and evidently i don't want to hear them either. I don't see the point in doing anything any more, because, if you really think about it, everything we do is to achieve our own personal eudaimonia, or in other words happiness. Like Aristotles said, there's no reason why we should want it, and if you dissect it it's nothing more than a feeling. And I can't feel happiness, or contentedness anymore, well, for no longer than a few seconds. I can't explain this, see, it doesn't sound right at all. I'm not even feeling sad, just pathetic that I can't understand or feel anything. And the thought of that should make me sad, but it doesn't. So i'm just going to float in and out of time, with everyone else who takes everything in, has everything done for them, and never puts anything out. I just feel apathetic about all this, because there's nothing else I can feel. Only very few people have the power to make me feel sad anymore, and I think I'm secretly wishing they'd make me sad, because I haven't felt that in ages and I want to feel it. I think they could make me happy, too, but I've stopped waiting for that to come, because I know it won't, it never will, and everything I've ever thought about THAT matter has been wishful thinking. I've stopped waiting for anything to happen, and I refuse to live on my tiptoes, waiting for something to occur which never, ever will.

So, with all the appropriate feelings, I resign to live in this new way, of no feelings or regard. It would be nice for something to happen, but I'm not sad that it won't.

ashes to ashes funk to funky

why, i'm blogging again, won't you look at that? seeing as i can't compose my thoughts into poetry or stories, i'll have to write somehow, or my life really is an utter waste of time. these past few, unproductive weeks i have been doing jack all: mindlessly wandering on facebook, general computering, hanging with the unloved kids, and blowing my nose. i have a cold, for the first time in ages. that's what i get for laughing at ill people and rubbing it into their face that i'm not ill. the plot has thickened, however, amidst general petty annoyances. I'm faced with a very sticky situation. Now, dickens has made it glaringly obvious that he likes me, but the sad fact is, i don't like him. sorry, dickens. anyway, i'm going to have to let him know sometime. it feels kind of scary to have that much power over someone, and knowing that one word can determine their felicity. I don't know if i like it.

Any other advancements? My fashion sense has changed, again, and i love it. I look forward to getting dressed more than i do getting out. So that makes me materialistically happy, at least. I'm just casually, taciturnly observing social situations around me. Last month's jeans don't seem to be in vogue, anymore. well, they won't be in a few weeks. It's funny watching how people behave when they know their temporary popularity is slipping away; they become more desperate, more obsequious. Anyway, social situations closer at hand are changing at an alarming rate. I may find myself with no friends, what with Golding and Hemingway becoming best pals, but i can't say the prospect is bothering me too much. As long as i have people i like who i get along with, I don't really mind.

asides from that, I keep getting momentary flashes of genius, about ten seconds or so, in which i think i can explain the world and all the words formulate together so well, and i'd love to write it down, but it slips away, and my transient enlightenment lapses into apathy.

there's nothing else to say, really.

apart from that the new marina and the diamonds album is coming out

i can't wait for that, she really is very, very good. I sincerely hope her most popular song doesn't get bummed by chavs, or that she gets overrated and alters her sound to suit a more mainstream audience