tearing me down every time you smile, every shining time you arrive

i woke up this morning with sunny day real estate stuck in my head, which made me feel depressed early in the morning and it looks like today's going to be a depressing day, so i'll listen to something more upbeat.

further festivities have proceeded christmas, so it's just been a time of wine, chocolate, food, and more presents. Two days ago i got a beautiful juicy couture bracelet that must have cost a fortune, more books, and perfume from various family friends, which was nice. yesterday i spent another unproductive day in front of the computer, what joy. i downloaded a lot of music though: lady gaga's album, which is surprisingly good, some LCD soundsystem because everyone goes on about it and i wanted to see if they were good or not. they're ok...in small doses. I also downloaded some more Modest Mouse, because before i'd never really had the chance to judge if they were good or not. I've decided I prefer the older stuff they did; i don't like their energetic songs. but yeah enough about that. I've been so sedentary lately, I've just been inside all day not doing much or reading. I'm reading a brief history of time by stephen hawking, which answers all my questions, but i don't understand it!

Also, something weird's happening to me and i don't know what, or why. I can't sleep nowadays, at all. I stay up 'til about two, generally cleaning my room :| which i never do, or just sorting out my clothes. and when i do turn off the light i have scary dreams and i keep seeing stuff in my room. I don't know what it is honestly, so i'm just going to let it pass to having a too-vivid imagination. Anyway, you know when you try and make yourself stop thinking something, but it just gets worse: i think that's it.

Today hopefully i'm going to go shopping, again, to get MORE clothes. I'm obsessed; I look forward to getting ready more than i actually do going out. Then I'm going to a "girly" sleepover. It's fun from time to time. Hah, I practically haven't seen a boy apart from my brother this whole holiday. Oh well that doesn't matter, i'll take what life brings me.

Anyway time to get ready again, i'm excited because i'm going to wear my new skirt that i haven't worn yet :|

simply having a wonderful christmas time

i never knew that song was by Paul McCartney

anyway, merry christmas y'all

hopefully you're all merry and happy

tis the season to be jolly, after all

i can tell you, i'm rather jolly

and only because of material goods as well, god i'm shallow

i finally got my doc martens, in beautiful green

i also got a sonic youth t-shirt, god save the queen one, a lovely hat with a big bobble on it, a trench coat, the long-awaited loose high waisted skirt, a statue of buddha, hehe, "a brief history of time" by stephen hawkings, oh god, so many books

a philosophy one, to kill a mockingbird, the great gatsby

and a whole range more that i'm so excited about

but i can't start any until i finish mansfield

oh i do love books, the joy and ideas they bring

anyway, now i'm about to go to my grandfather's for lunch

and the following days also bring further festivities and gifts: my brother's godparents are coming tomorrow; what lovely and intelligent people they are. then we're having a family friends gathering, with more presents. then i'll probably go out, then NEW YEAR'S and hopefully parties. THEN more days to relax/go out. THEN school again and back to my comfortable routine. life really does look favourable, despite the fact that my social life really is failing. but i don't even care, hohoho

now goodbye everyone, i doubt anyone is reading my garrulous blog anyway: they're probably enjoying the festivities with much zeal and frivolity. or at least, trying to. so goodbye, i shant stall you any longer

live, drink and be happy my friends

HAI HAI MILI GE ASAND DELE MILI SOMETHING SOMETHIGN

listening to asian tunes, and not even taking the piss. hehe

I have a few things to say to everyone today, and i'm tired; no monotonous dragged-out soliloquy for you today.

1. James May is possibly the funniest man to roam the earth. I've been watching top gear re-runs on dave all day; yet another unproductive day

2. After reading and re-reading the difference between semi-colons and colons i still don't know when to use either of them: fail. oh god, i hate fail, what am i doing?

3. IT'S NOT BOOK'S, CD'S, TAPE'S OR VIDEO'S; WHO EVER SAYS THIS NEEDS TO DIE.

4. Katherine Mansfield may be one of the most influential authors to date. I'm reading some stories by her at the moment, and they're beauutiful; the style is perfect.

5. It's not cool to have extensive families on facebook. It doesn't make you look like you have more friends. It just makes you look like an attention-seeking douche.

'Scuse the bad punctuation; i'm tired and it's late

And Dan's telling me to get off the computer because it's late.

BYE EVERYONE.

i'm finally going out tomorrow.

fun times.

how long has it been, shall we get into it again?

haven't written for about a week. i wrote a blog yesterday, but felt self-conscious about writing too many short sentences, so i deleted it all. life's feeling quite..innovative and arty. in my solitude i have been reading a lot of arty books, decorated my room, and all sorts. i think tomorrow's going to be a solitary day too. my social life actually fails recently. but i have a new philosophy: every second of my life will be spent how i want to spend it. and most of the time, i do what i feel i must do so i don't feel like a social retard; including talking to people i don't necessarily want to talk to. so, when i feel like going out, i shall. i've been like this for quite a while now, and i'm sort of happy. heh, happy. i felt sad today though, in the train, and the underground. but trains and undergrounds depress me generally, so it's ok. anyway, today has been a gooood day: i went to camden and bought doc martens, finally, in dark green. i also bought a sonic youth + god save the queen tshirt, and a loose denim high waisted skirt, and posters. i was so hapy. then i went to a chinese restaurant, ate too much and felt fat, then went on this scary ride in Leicester square. adrenaline is beeautiful. anyway, at the moment i'm kind of sad. the holiday's feel weird, and even though i like being alone, i guess it's to an extent; i really need to go out. i have nothing to do and the internet is horribly boring, and i don't feel creative. i might just go and eat away my boredom, and regret it later. bye y'all.

we're sgt. pepper's lonely hearts club band, we hope you will enjoy the show

oh i haven't written in here for like, a week. no inspiration, again. I think the lack of food is making me a thoroughly unmotivated, lethargic person. I've embarked on a physiological examination of what happens if you don't eat. so far i've been, uh, doing it for two weeks? I want to see what it does to my behaviour, and if it makes me "forget my problems" like it makes some people. Yeah so far i've just lost quite a bit of weight, my bones are prominent again, i really like it actually. I'm all-round skinnier, which is safe. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels :)

but i must admit, i feel very drained, tired, uninspired. I can't think either. Or feel sad. I don't think I like being apathetic. I'm going to do this until new year i think, and see what i'm like then. Unless i become a raging anorexic/bulimic. hah. I doubt it.

Yeah anyway my week has been kind of weird. I guess I could say it's been good because of unforeseen circumstances. But i'm quite worried on how much my happiness relies on former circumstances. sigh. Sorry i'm being "naive" and "cryptic"

but honestly certain things are quite easy to guess, even though i don't particularly want people to know.

I'm not very excited for christmas to be honest. I'm trying, but i just don't feel it. i guess that's not a bad thing, just a neutral thing.

I have been quite jokes recently though, to myself. no-one else finds me that funny really, but if something amuses me, whether it amuses others is trivial to me.

I AM looking forward to the holidays though. I get scared that i'm going to be doing nothing all holiday though. this year's gone so quick. and yet, quite a lot has happened. I've managed to find my niche, which is the most beautiful thing. i've been hurt though. ew that sounds annoying. I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, though. Heh i've developed a side to me i didn't have before, anyway. i think i love it. my despondent, cynical, misanthropic, masochistic side. I've still got my optimistic, peaceful "i love the world and nature" side. but i guess the other one is usually more prominent. yeah sorry apparently a blog isn't meant to be about you. it's meant to be about other things. so, sorry...

when they get what they want, they never want it again

haven't posted in a while. truth be told, nothing interesting's been going on. nothing interesting usually does go on: acknowledged. Life's kind of ok, for me. Before that, can i tell you how much i love hole at the moment? i don't care if people say courtney love is a bitch; she's amazing. and i've been reading a lot at the moment: I just finished brave new world; amazing, inspiring book. opened a lot of windows for me, thought-wise. I do realise that my abundant sprinkling of semi-colons and colons is probably incorrect, by the way. Yeah anyway, now I'm reading pride and prejudice. I actually really, really like it: I didn't think I would. I find myself warming to the characters, and the way they behave in that time is fascinating.

OK, anyway, anyway, today has been a weird day. I don't know what i've been feeling really, and it's passed in a bit of a blur. I said to myself I'd remember this day, because people always forget days, and each day is as important as each other. Oh i don't really know, I just felt something. Yeah anyway, i got lectured by the head of languages, because I was "rude" to a supply teacher. Can I say, this SUPPLY teacher actually said to me: you think you're so clever. and, highly affronted, i retorted back. but to be honest, who wouldn't? yeah and I heard teachers bitching about me: they really have nothing better to do. I hope I don't become a teacher, having to pretend to care about the well-being of little shits I really don't care about and having to be kind to fellow colleagues. I listen to them talking to each other; it makes me wince. I really hope i don't have to do that. yeah anyway i had a detention; awfully tedious. walked to cheam in the dark. I felt happy again: nature is really beautiful in the dark. Especially the trees, and how the iridescent street lights reflect onto them and their shadow on the ground, and how their silhouette is shown against it. oh i don't know i can't say it, words float around my mind then but can't arrange themselves properly. but simple things like breathing the cold air and looking at every tree makes me feel happy to be alive. Then I got on the bus and loads of sad looking people wearing raincoats were sitting probably thinking about sad things. I really can't stand raincoats, i know. the dark green ones from millets drive me over the edge. But anyway, that sure ruined my mood. I got less depressed soon though; walking through sutton and listening to snippets of conversations: "WHY DON'T YOU BECOME A FULL TIME DAD THEN, I'VE FUCKING HAD IT, DON'T FUCKING TELL ME I CAN'T WORK." coming from a 19-year old sharp, angry chav with dyed blonde hair, to a moronic 19 year-old looking boy chav with a monotonous, dull voice. oh and can i say, what REALLY makes me laugh is poseur skater boys who can't skate, who are about ten. they're always in sutton. i see them attempting still jumps and shit skateboarding tricks. I failed when i was that age. maybe i fail now, i don't know. but still; SO FUNNY

yeah anyway taliho, i've probably spoken a lot of rubbish. but then again, everyone thinks they speak a load of rubbish.

other girls left and other girls came i can't get over my old flame

well that's a bit annoying. I just wrote my whole blog, then my brother decided to unplug the cable because i wouldn't give him the sound.

...

oh i really can't be bothered to write this again

sorry ¬¬

oh they have a way, a way to make you pay, and to make you toe the line

I've become quite aware of my writing style; reading through other people's blogs and other various things has made me self-conscious. what if i sound annoying like certain shakespeareans? I can't let this shakespearean thing go, i know, i know, but he's so - UH I DON'T KNOW - ostentatious? pretentious?

I'm not going to bother talking about my day, i just got told off again. It's ironic how i'm on report for organisation and i forget my report. I had climbing today, i didn't actually climb. I just discussed fashion with sophie. I need so many new clothes. Was that grammar right? probably not. Yeah anyway, I need: A tweed blazer, black lace leggings, a shapeless beige high wasted skirt, a vintage WHITE loose band t-shirt, some kind of top, a new jewellery collaboration, a new dress, new shorts. Oh dear.

Anyway, i've been downloading a lot of music at the moment, and discovering new bands, or extending my library of bands i already know. I'll tell you about bands i particularly like at the moment. Actually, no, i'll make another post all to music, today or in another day. It's misfits soon, anyway: it's actually the highlight of my weekday.

Social situations? Orwell and Huxley were bosoming up to each other again today. surprise... Also, i feel so awkward when i'm in between Hemingway and Golding. They're constantly thrust into each other's company, it's kind of funny to watch the friction between them when they're in a typical "awkward friends" situation. But I feel kind of sad if I'm talking to Hemingway, Golding will ask me to come and talk to them vice versa. Yeah most people won't know what i'm rabbiting on about, sorry about that.

Can i add something onto my incessantly expanding list of things that annoy me? Poseurs, but especially music poseurs. People who like a certain type of music related to a certain stereotype. These people don't FEEL it at all, they just listen to it as like, an attachment almost to their stereotype. That's really degrading I think... I admit to doing this in the past, in my poseur days, but I have fully grown out of this now, and I can look back and harbour a secret (well, not so secret) indignation (is that the word?) for this sort of behaviour.

Yeah anyway, uh, I'm kind of happy at the moment. I guess I'm in that temporary mind frame where the world just looks good and promising; people who I'm secretly contemptuous towards seem almost favourable. Times ahead just look good. It's Friday tomorrow, then weekend, that should hopefully be fun. I've decided to abandon the whole no drinking thing: I've decided I'm going to be happy drunk. Something in my mind's just telling me that I can be. Cool...

let me take you down, 'cause i'm going to strawberry fields

nothing is real, and nothing to get hung about

strawwberrryyy fieldss forevverr

omg i miss this song so much, i haven't heard it in aages

i've actually had an alright day, funnily enough

i usually don't have alright days. it's usually annoying days, or really shit days. the occasional quite good day.

actually today's been quite annoying. I get picked on. this isn't actually funny. today in RS, i got a three in my report and got moved because i was speaking, ONCE. In registration i got told to see dr anagnostopolous after school; i didn't even get a warning. I didn't go, hello, another pointless after-school detention

PLEASED TO MEET YOU ¬¬

oh and i had to see mrs shirley after school anyway. I actually don't know what i do.

someone's getting beef from mrs etheridge. oh well, i don't even care.

i might sound like certain shakesperians ranting on my blog all the time

BUT, OK

facebook groups are annoying as it is

i decided to read through all the groups, AND NEARLY ALL OF THEM WERE SPELLED WRONG, or they had misplaced commas or apostrophes. The sad thing is, NO-ONE notices. I'm fighting a losing battle. Call me pernickety, but it's actually so FUCKING annoying.

and huxley and orwell are driving me INSANE. I'm surprised orwell's even persevering this long, in the complex social network she doesn't even need huxley anymore. Obviously, her primary goal is to secure a safe, high ground in the weird spindly cobweb we've all spun. I guess no-one's safe though. we all come and go. hah, people are practically like fashion crazes. but they get boring soon; no-one wants last years jeans anymore. I feel sorry for last year's jeans. I'm sure this hypothetical person is a very nice person, really. Actually, not so much hypothetical, "last year's jeans" can apply to a lot of people. sigh...

contemplating on all this makes me kind of sad. I have no idea where i am on this cobweb. Thinking about it will make me sad. I say I hate the whole thing, yet i want to be liked, really.

i don't know, so much for relaxing and floating downstream.

oh, and I find it so funny when people don't get irony

today i've made, well, rather a lot of ironic jokes, or hinted at irony in an ironic situation

no-one got it

oh well, shame that

ok goodbye everyone, i'm going to have fun, uh, staring at the computer..waiting for something to happen on facebook

karma police, arrest this man

no inspiration today..

break my body, hold my bones

WELL today's been ok. My weekend's generally been ok.

I'll tell you all about today, i would tell you about yesterday but my FATHER stopped me when i was right in the spirit, and i just don't feel it today. I saw new moon basically, it wasn't very good.

And today, I saw paranormal activity; it was actually hilarious. What have horror films come to these days? I basically watched one and a half hours or so of doors creaking and things going "bump" in the night. the end was the only actual scary part, but all in all it was very hyped up. i went to Macdonalds after that. I hate Macdonalds, it actually makes me feel depressed. Look at the people there, and i'm pretty sure most of them are depressed dejected people in dark green raincoats with thin hair who have bad lives: so they eat Macdonalds everyday. Macdonalds is practically destroying food, in a way. More and more people have started eating there on a daily basis; they don't even realize what they're eating, and as Macdonalds tastes like puerile shit, that becomes the norm. Eating becomes a necessity, not an enjoyment. it's kind of sad, i think.

Yeah anyway, I ran home in the rain, and felt temporary "happiness," even though it was very short lived. Poetic lines were flying through my head and every tree and raindrop seemed so fresh and new, and i just couldn't wait to inhale the fresh, cold air again and again. I had a conversation with myself about how nice it all is, and danced all the way down the road. I realize that might appear weird, but it was truly refreshing, talking to yourself helps you arrange things in your mind. anyway i told myself the same old "if you love the world and yourself then everyone will appear so much better." i got home and played articulate with my family and got pissed off at my mum and brother. Whenever my family try and have some "quality time" it always escalates in my mum pointing out all my faults, my brother telling my dad all the bad things i've ever done out of nowhere because he's a malicious rascal, and then so on so forth until no-one wants to play anymore.

Then i went on facebook and everyone else pissed me off. so much for that, huh? I really have got to be more tolerant. But can i just say what really, REALLY is annoying me? my list must span on for miles by now, but, when people have about TEN PEOPLE in their msn screen names. it annoys me how most of these people don't even care about each other. And when people put the most pointless "jokes times" on there. "ice cream and muffin cakes" or something of that variation. I understand if something's actually FUNNY. but i very much doubt that people laugh their hearts out by calling each other names like "muffin" or "lemon" or something equally annoying. I use the word "annoying" a lot. i really need to think of more interesting alternatives. Yeah anyway sorry if this applies to you and you're just casting an awkward glance around the room and feeling unsettled right about now. I should probably be shutting up now

Tomorrow should be fun. Monday. Woo. wake up in the dark, walk out in the rain. school, get criticized and my uniform scrutinized. go home, go on the computer until i go to sleep. FUN TIMES.

we treat mishaps like sinking ships

well today's been SHIT

i've pretty much spent the majority of the day crying to myself

and i don't even know why

then the next second i'm perfectly fine

i really think i do have bi polar

but everyone thinks they have it, so i'm not going to say so.

"I'VE GOT SUCH BAD MOOD SWINGS OMG, I MUST HAVE BI POLAR"

that pretty much applies to all blunders and flaws, as it were

"I'M SO CLUMSY"

"HAHA, NO, I'M CLUMSIER"

"HEHEH nah you're not clumsy! I'M THE CLUMSIEST."

people, like..want to be the worst

now, i admit to slightly doing this myself at times

but i just watch people who like over-do it and laugh sometimes,

but naturally i don't say anything.

ANYWAY, i didn't write my blog yesterday

so can i say how much i love misfits

and robert sheehan ^^

now that's my kind of boy

it would be nice if they also read alot, pondered a lot, had a disgusting sense of humour, listened to good music and the beatles, had a unique sense of style and a lot of idiosyncrasies

but i realise there's probably no-one like that in a fifty mile radius

oh well

I'm going to take a leaf out of lily's book and use codenames, cause i really need to say something

this is going to feel much easier, but BASICALLY, there's a person called dickens, and they won't stop talking to me. Now, i don't mind dickens, but i really do tire being bombarded by constant "hey, hello, how are you's?" non-stop. i've tried being unresponsive, but it still doesn't work.

i don't really know what to do.

It's not just dickens, it's shakespeare as well. now, i like shakespeare more than dickens. but shakespeare is far, far too nice. Now, i wish shakespeare would just...tone it down a little. but i don't want to be mean because they are actually really nice. ssighh

Also, bronte's been really annoying today. but it's just a mild annoyance, it's already passed

hohoho

i really liked this picture, the photographer must be amazing

john lennon..for anyone who deoesn't who doesn't know

anywaiiz i'm off, my weekend should be pretty fun

seeing new moon and chilling with tha girls tomorrow

then hopefully seeing paranormal activity on sunday

unless a certain someone objects to me being there

but i'll go anyway

HA

i live my dreams today and i'll be living them tomorrow

another quite frankly boring unproductive day full of injustice

i hate teachers even more than i did two days ago

i had to lug around extra textbooks and folders which i DON'T even need, i do all my homework, actually try and get organised, and all stupid bloody mrs etheridge says is: THIS REPORT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE IMPROVING ANYTHING, and she starts nitpicking at little stuff about my uniform: "TODAY YOUR SCARF GOT CONFISCATED AND YOU WORE A CARDIGAN YESTERDAY. what does that have ANYTHING to do with organisation? and the other stupid teachers just looked at me reproachfully and shook their heads like they actually gave a shit GRRR

anyway, i'm going to experiment with outfits and hair and stuff

which is REALLY getting me in a shopping mood, hence a christmasy mood

even though christmas IS a complete waste of trees, think of the millions of trees that are going to be cut down, and the effects that's going to have. so i'm going to try and make the family get an artificial one. even though it would pain me to do so, because i absolutely love lying down underneath it and smelling that fresh pine leaf smell. AND it is sad if you think about it, because think about all the extra hours those poor Malaysian children are going to have to work to make more toys so our stupid little children can get them and throw them away after about a year. and what will these little children be getting? well, absolutely nothing. that's hardly fair, so considering that i'm going to try so hard to be grateful for what i have.

Despite that, i really can't wait. I LOVE festivities, giving presents, wearing warm clothes, drinking a hot cup of tea after going out in the cold, christmas stalls, mulled wine, christmas pudding, snow. AND getting presents of course. I'm going to compose a christmas list. I doubt i'll be getting half of this, but BE GRATEFUL, maria.

1. A CAT. I want a cat SO MUCH, seeing as my rabbit just got eaten. LOOL. sorry, but cats are so much better than dogs. my brother and mum want a dog. they're blundering and hyper and annoying. cats are intelligent and surprising and beaauutiful. maybe i want a ragdoll cat. they are SO CUTE

2. DOC MARTENS. preferably flower patterned ones. SO NICE

3. MY COMPUTER IN MY ROOM. I HAVE BEEN BEGGING MY PARENTS FOR AGES

4. MONEY. but who doesn't

5. A new dress, a LOT of new hair accessories, a new skirt new shorts, lots of new clothes

6. Books, a lot of books because i can never be bothered to walk to the library

7. Lots of beatles things - i can never get enough. OMG A BEATLES PINBALL MACHINE.

WHAT I WOULDN'T DO FOR ONE OF THESE

8. makeup

9. a lot of cds and posters, i need to finish my room

10. ornaments and stuff to decorate my room with

Generally, i'll only get like, five of that list, but let us hope for the best

but life's good, sort of; letting it flow as usual. well, trying to.

look at the stars, look how they shine for you

WELL

well well well

i'm a bit annoyed

and rightly so, i should think

and no, i'm keeping my resolution

i have abstained so far: day two, woo

but, can i just tell you all how i have wasted

a whole hour of my life, being exceptionally awkward

and wanting to hit someone. BASICALLY, the school thought

they'd look "concerned" and invited my dad to discuss my progress

ok this is too much effort trying to make my words follow a pyramid pattern

but it adds fun diversity don't you think? ANYWAY, rambling, sorry. so basically, i had to endure three of my "concerned teachers" shoot utter crap about how they were concerned and wanted me to do well. they don't give a shit if i fail, because it will be them looking bad, and they only want to save their own necks. I had to stop myself from laughing, they were so ludicrous. Even my dad seemed to think so. I spoke to my dad for the first time in ages, and discussed stabilising the economy and space travel. I might just have to be cliché here and say "God, i'm cool." I realise I do this all the time, but i realised how annoying it sounds so i'm going to try and stop saying all these stupid catchphrases.

As I expected, my attitude to people hasn't changed at all. I don't think it ever will. BUT, my attitude to LIFE has changed. I didn't worry once today, which is pretty cool. I'm detaching myself from any kind of negligible trifles that used to bother me so. SO i was, well, happy. Even though happiness is deceit, just like hope, and i don't like those sorts of things. Anyway, thinking about all of this is going to make me worry, and i'm listening to coldplay, which isn't exactly the best "feel good" music. I'm in a mood for old beatles, eight days a week, can't buy me love, please please me, all those classsics.

I have a quote for you all, even though people in my english class will already have read this, i take it very close to heart. It's from our book antigone, and when told to "live, and be happy" she replies with:

"I spit on your happiness! I spit on your idea of life--that life that must go on, come what may. You are all like dogs that lick everything they smell. You with your promise of a humdrum happiness--provided a person doesn't ask much of life. I want everything of life, I do; and I want it now! I want it total, complete: otherwise I reject it! I will not be moderate. I will not be satisfied with the bit of cake you offer me if I promise to be a good little girl. I want to be sure of everything this very day; sure that everything will be as beautiful as when I was a little girl. If not, I want to die!"

Makes you think, doesn't it. Even though it's quite depressing

so on a less depressing note: my mother came back from Romania yesterday and got me a fur coat, and a ring :D:D:D that's one thing off my Christmas list. I REALLY want doc martens though

SO MUCH

the flower patterned ones, or light pink ones or dark purple ones or light blue ones

flower patterned ones are £85 though. saddening, but then again, if we wished to get everything we wanted, "want" and "wish" wouldn't exist, and with the abolishment of that, neither would satisfaction, and that would make nothing seem valuable anymore. think about that. anyway, i can see i've spoken too much yet again. but there's so much to say when the world is so full of colour and word and opinion and idea. it's quite beautiful if you think about it

it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me: and i'm feeling good

Ok, so i'm writing in my blog again. I knew I'd be overtaken by this urge sometime.

I feel changes must be made, and today is a day of new beginnings.

I've allowed my life to descend and I haven't even cared that I have been estranging myself from everyone by this wall of bitterness and hate. So, I will compose a list, yes a list, but i beseech everyone to read this, because I truly extend to all of you with heartfelt apology. To everyone I have laughed at because of your clothes, to everyone I have bitched about continuously and then pretended to like them to their face, to everyone that might care that i didn't care back, I'm sorry. I'm going to try and be a more tolerant person, and I will stop over analysing your behaviour with frantic haste, and hating you and the world even more for it. I think I owe a few apologies in particular, and they probably know who they are. Actually, they probably don't because i pretend to be nice to them. Oh dear...

ANYWAY, as from now i am not drinking or smoking for a year, i don't need alcohol or drugs to enjoy myself, and maybe this way when I'm out I'll actually get to know people better, instead of drunkenly insulting them. I sheepishly apologise to you all, again. So i vow to do the following:

1. I vow to actually care about school. Too long it has been that i have neglected my school work, and i've just been in pointless detentions when i could be doing something more constructive with my time.

2. As i said above, I vow not to drink, smoke or do anything bad for a year. I'm pretty sure this will fail, but let's give it a go

3. I vow to stop bitching about people. Actually this will never work, but it's worth a try.

4. I vow to be a better, more pleasant person, and to appreciate the world, and to stop being so depressed and doing stuff to myself. because, Jee eun was right: If i think the world is bad, I need to do good things to make it better.

SO, to conclude: i'm sorry everyone. Maybe we can start a clean slate? I'm saying this to a few people in particular who i don't really talk to properly anymore, and which i regret because they are very interesting deep down, i'm sure. They probably won't be reading this because I'm nothing to them, I think. But it's worth a try, is it not? And of course, sorry to those people who i DO talk to, who I've been a spiteful arrogant prick to.

i'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl

haven't written in this for a while, well, for a few days, but to me it feels like a while. i'm completely and utterly bored, and not just that "i'm bored" when you have nothing else to say. I have NOTHING to do, NO-ONES online, and i'm STILL GROUNDED. so i've just been downloading music all of today and today. I love the stone roses at the moment. i've already got bored of this blogging business, so i daresay this will be my last blog for a long time until i finally get inspiration to write in it again

show me show me show me how you do that trick

i haven't written in two days, but right now, i can't think straight, so i don't know how much of a successful blog this would be. i'm feeling all sorts of things right now, and i can't distinguish one from another, i don't even know if it's just one feeling. makes me think, no-one knows how anything feels do they. happy, sad. they're words. created by mankind to try and frame what we're feeling. there's no other way to express yourself apart from with words, so if you don't know how to, then there's nothing to say. so i will say nothing

one day, we're going to live in paris

today has been a day of injustice, and further annoyance at normal people and the mainstream media. it hasn't been a particularly interesting day, in fact, it's been a suitably average day, hence suitably boring. apart from certain injustice on certain english and head of years behalf. i got 78% in my physics test. a suitably average grade, considering it was a relatively easy test. i was suitably bored in all lessons, as they consisted entirely of note taking and attempting to listen to a man talk to himself for an hour. don't get me wrong, astronomy's all very interesting, but first period monday morning isn't the best time to hear about features on the moons surface. one thing that IS really bugging me though, i got the LOWEST grade in the english debate today. seeing as i actually spoke to and "entertained," (the word the old-fashioned bat liked to use) the audience, i think i deserved a better mark. despite what she said, i thought i made some very crucial points. but oh well, forget, breathe, LIFE GOES ON. anything else about my day? no that's all.

oh wait I've been quite mean today actually, laughing at other people's misfortune. I've sort of abandoned the whole, if i be nice i'll be happy thing. sorry but if you saw a fat person fail cartwheeling with their top slipping down then doing a log roll and looking like an overstuffed swiss roll, you'd laugh too right? OK anyway enough of this, let me tell you about further discoveries made on this day.

i decided to watch some of x-factor, and see what all the hype was about.

i'm afraid to say i was extremely disappointed, and it made me think again, is this what our nation has come to?

none of these people actually have talent. they are all SO BORING. they're all clones of each other and all sing the SAME KINDS of songs. i wish they could have more diversity and have acoustic singers on it or something. they're all just the next wannabe alexandra burke/leona lewises, and the pinnacle of their career will be getting one top ten hit shortly after the show, then disappearing, then making a "comeback." and sorry, but JOHN AND EDWARD. i heard all this hype about them, and that they're probably the most "controversial" topic at the moment. forget about how the world is suffering, how we're slowly being heated to a slow roasting death, how people are dying, no, JOHN AND EDWARD is all we can talk about. and do you know what? they're not even controversial. they're just arrogant, extremely cocky retards who cannot sing to save their lives. they're the next eoughan quigg, or whatever. who even remembers him?

oh and ALSO, dizzee rascal's making me quite sad now. i can see that as people start to tip towards mainstream their music becomes milder, less original, and their lyrics become more meaningless as they become again dominated by the wannabe clubhouse beats. Listen to something like Holiday, then listen to stuff from boy in da corner or maths and english. you'll see what i mean.

anyway i can see i've written TOO MUCH again

i complain far too much, eh this isn't good

sorry guys, people will probs get bored soon of this constant ranting anyway, i need to change the layout etc

it would take no sherlock holmes to see it's a little different around here

hello all, i'm afraid i didn't write in my blog yesterday. never fear i shall write an extra long entry today. because i know you all want a synopsis of my very interesting weekend. actually, i've been through yet more personality changes. There wasn't even a bookmarked significant event which sparked off this sudden change. I've just realised some crucial things, that i shall lay down as my foundations of my life to come:

If people like me, cool, i like them. If they don't, then that's fine, live and let live

and that alot of people are actually really fake. people want to be loved for what they appear rather than what they are. that's in a song, but i can't remember which one. i've come to the conclusion that that's because they're very empty people but they want to fill that up with generic senses of humour and not even remotely funny flirtatious teases and comments. no-one wants to overstep the boundaries. they're scared that people will think they're weird and what not. people pretend to like each other, on the computer they're different people. they laugh at things that aren't funny, and i can predict the responses to these over-used, rinsed as far as they can be funny jokes. generally about sexual orientation. DON'T PRETEND YOU'RE GAY IF YOU'RE NOT. that's all i'm going to say. it's all one horrible spider web held together by loose threads that people have built up to ensure a stable position in this "social situation." people don't even like each other. i understand that i've just said a lot of things that don't relate and don't make sense. sorry about that. anyway, i'm going to ensure i DON'T turn out like that. i'm going to spend time i would worrying about what people think about me getting in touch with my inner-self, and ensuring i'm genuine at all times. i'm never going to change for anyone. and changes will be for my sake only. i think this way i'm going to be happier.

sorry i'm rambling again, i'll talk about my supercool weekend now

well on saturday, i went to meme's and watched harry potter with meme and elena. it was HILARIOUS, i never realised how very funny harry potter is. i love it though :) but harry's face and reactions are SO FUNNY. haven't you guys thought how much of a pussy harry is? well, daniel radcliffe anyway. ALSO, Emma watson is an infuriating actress. she makes hermione so annoying. Oh then we watched sweeney todd. what a fucking amazing film. one of the best i've ever seen. i'm still thinking about now. it was a really..moving film to say the least. johnny depp and helena bonham carter are AMAZING at acting. then i went home and watched saw, on my own. hahahhah. I missed the first and last twenty minutes of it, so i didn't understand the plot. the gore was hilarious though, didn't affect me at all :) i think i really am quite twisted. I did get so scared of the puppet though. i had to sleep with my whole body under the cover facing the wall, otherwise i'd feel all exposed. anyone ever do that?

oh yeah and today was dan's birthday. i kind of forgot till yesterday. i "joined" presents with my brother. we got him chocolate, original. my dad's been in a good mood today, and hugged me for like the first time in a year i think. it was awkward. i hate family affection. it makes me cringe.

we went to a restaurant. my grandfather forgot his medication so he had to go back and get it with my dad. my brother had a massive go at me for reading in a restaurant and my mum joined in at him then at me and yeah. my brother proceeded to telling my mum stuff about me, and telling her that i never get punished. little snivelling rascal. yeah anyway i was reading lord of the flies. it's really quite good, makes me think about society. it's so sad though, i shan't spoil it for any of you :) anyway i got back home and went on the computer all day from 3 till now, not even remembering what i've done. my minds going to waste away one of these days

i have homework to do as well. alllow i'm goint to leave it a few hours then check what i have.

sorry i'll leave now, you probably stopped reading halfway up. i don't blame you :)

bye world and loyal reaaders

who put all those things in your head? things that make me feel like i'm mad

nothing interesting happened today. my hand's still brown. the whole class had an argument with dr ag today. i love how most people who don't like him have absolutely no reason not to like him, but just like to say they do cause they want to fill their completely bland lives with something to say and something to complain about. same with homework. i've said this before, but people who make every one of their statuses "omg tooo much homework!" "i hate homework!" are probably boring people. homeworks the last resort if you reaally can't think of anything. or unless you really are drowning in a sea of it. but i bet most of the times people just like to complain. yeah anyway, i'm in a good mood today, kind of. i've had a day like all the others with slight lapses of paranoia and depression and what not. but i'm forgetting about it all and letting the stream flow and take me along with it and drop me off somewhere else, hopefully a place where i know more.

omg, the cure - how beautiful you are.

i just listened to it properly for the first time, and read the lyrics

it just made me cry

it's so sad and makes me wonder

i like songs that make you think and look at the world in a different way

ok i'm going to listen to a happy song now or risk, yes, this "circle" of bad thoughts

octopuses garden, beatles. "i'd like to be, under the sea, in an octopus's garden beneath the shore"

sorry blabbering on about uninteresting stuff

i love how a generally boring day should only be a few lines yet i somehow manage to write so much more.

anyway, today i'm telling myself yet again i'm going to change. well, i'm going to do things that make me feel better? things that will get me temporary self contentment, or at least i hope they will. so i'm going to make a list...

1. care more about my self image. i've let my image go into decline, not caring about my hair or anything. i think if i look better i'm going to feel better.

2. get more more clothes. because clothes always make me happier. i need more tights. and patterned leggings. and some kind of tops. and a new dress. oh and a skirt. and more knee high socks. i really can't wait until it gets really cold - i can finally wear big woolly jumpers again :D:D

3. EAT PROPERLY and start exercising again. cut down on junk food and only eat wholesome foods, and start doing sit ups again, i've put on weight

4. spend more time relaxing, chilling out, reading. i tend to get really stressed and paranoid etc, i basically need to manage my time better

5. STOP WORRYING ABOUT FRIENDS! :) maria everyone DOES like you. and if they don't, that's ok, it's their choice, and i probably don't really care either. and if they don't at the moment, it will ALL GET BETTER. as i say to people, time will straighten out whatever creases there may currently be. i think it's just because i'm grounded. when i get ungrounded and start going out again and stuff i'm sure i'll be FINE :D

6. Stop thinking about things that will never happen. I need to completely extinguish the still flickering candle that despite what i say, has not gone out. i need to get rid of it, i think that's one of the reasons i'm generally more of a subdued depressed person these days. i need something new :) and that WILL COME. i just need to be patient.

7. WRITE STORIES AND POETRY. i used to write poetry, but i just..can't again. i don't know why. i think when i get sad i need to do that. also, it will be good for me to write stories, as that's what i've been told i'm good at. well...i am working on a "story." but it's not, ahem, suitable for all kinds of audiences. i'm not allowed to talk about this story, so i shant say anything. you can probably guess what it is.

8. START APPRECIATING NATURE MORE. I need to go on more walks and trips to the forest and stuff, because nature makes me really, really happy and content. especially now that it's autumn. anyone want to go to banstead forest? :) it's lovely there

9. BE MYSELF! i've been told to be myself. and that's what i'll do. i'm going to be 100% genuine all of the time. if you think i'm attention seeking, shame. because i don't try to. and i mean that. ok i used to, but i've changed since a year ago. it might not look like it. hmm

OK yeah anyway that's it for now. i think i've written too much again

I have quite alot of love right now

I love everyone actually, if i think about it

sing along with the common people, sing along and it might just get you through

hmm. I've had a lot of new thoughts today. Things I really can't get my head round. And I've also found loads of fresh new things annoying. it just keeps on growing and growing as the days pass really. soon, one day, i'm going to find something completely irrelevant so very annoying i'm going to actually explode. i might just explode at the world, you know. stand on a table and shout at everyone in the school kind of thing. So i'm venting out my annoyedness on here.

right, so what exactly do i find annoying on this day?

one: CAPITAL RADIO. i was listening to it with Sophie in the car going to climbing. I'm sorry but isn't if funny how EVERY SINGLE ARTIST ON CAPITAL RADIO SOUNDS EXACTLY THE SAME, and how their beat is ALL like, wannabe clubhouse beats, even though it's not bloody clubbing music it's R&B! and sorry but what IS the difference between akon and neyo? and jordin sparks and alesha dixon? NOTHING! SO WHY DO THEY REPEAT THEM OVER AND OVER AGAIN? also, listen to the lyrics. the lyrics are nothing, they use the same old message of baby i love you, i'll never leave you. they don't educate us, inform us, or even make us feel any kind of way? gggrrrrrrr. there's a radio station i'm never listening to again

two: PIXIE LOTT. when i saw pictures of her and stuff and heard she was a new singer i though, wow she must be individual and UNIQUE. she looks it really, doesn't she? she's really fashionable and actually has nice hair and is quirky etc. and when i heard her boys and girls song it was a complete letdown. she sounds just like EVERY OTHER jordin sparks or saturdays person. way to go.

three: people who start talking to you on msn, ask you how you are, and if you don't reply with anything other than "i'm good" they'll think you're weird. Also, how people say hi and don't even TALK to you properly, and there's noting in common and nothing to talk about. so why do they even start? :|

four: people who flirt and are annoying. i had to witness nearly two hours of this at rock climbing today. not good, i'm telling you. i hate how boys lap up all this flirting thing, when it's so blatant people are being something they're not!

that's about it, for NOW

ok i'm talking too much again, oh dear

ok but quickly let me tell you about my day

i had a physics test, and as me and anna were saying today, i realised that you can't actually make up a colour. try it. try and think of a colour that doesn't exist. it's impossible. but yeah anyway, we got off our english debate. i'm scared about it actually. but oh well i'm sure my amazing improvisational skills will pull me through. what else? oh yeah, i've actually been SO funny today. basically, to freak people out and amuse myself, i pretend i was schizophrenic for the whole day, and i was talking to my imaginary friend serena. serena is a little girl, has one eye, three hairs on her head, like to hang puppies and kill babies. i think i freaked a few people out. but i found myself hilariously funny to be honest. must be my sick twisted humour.

oh yeah and i had rock climbing. i learnt several new knots and how to coil rope. interesting..i know.

oh and one more thing: my hand's still as brown as it has been three days ago.

i'm expecting for it to go in about three weeks :|

yeah anyway goodbye for now, i daresay i've said too much again

she's got a ticket to ride

Well, today has really been a very..unproductive day, the word i like to use. i had a rather neutral mood today actually, because of the weather. I hate it when, like, it's grey and cloudy and the clouds seem really close, like they're going to close over you or something. yeah it was like that today. it was cold as well. loads of people are talking about it being cold now. I love how whenever people have run out of something to say, or the conversation's ended and it's awkward people say: i'm so cold. ok i admit to doing that quite a few times myself. anyway, i've been told i write too much so i'm going to keep this shorter.

Nothing actually happened today, i've just been watching south park since i came home. i'm sorry but butters is the best south park character ever, he's sssoo cute

Oh, and happy birthday nathalie! i said i'd do this didn't i?

OH wait, i had an argument with my friend today. i kind of lost my cool and kicked her. i hope that didn't hurt too much, sorry. you guys really did hit a nerve though hmm. but yeah i'm going to not get so offended by stuff, and just let it absorb. and if i do get offended by stuff i'm just going to let it pass, there's no need for any more anger really.

OH and i need to let paranoid feelings go and accept myself really, wether people like me or not. i'm not going to change for ANYONE. there's a personal target for myself, as not biting my nails obviously didn't work. let's see how long this attitude lasts hmm.

i've said oh too much, but oh well

i'm still excited about this whole blog business - i think everyone else should get one too :)

day 1 woooo

the initial excitement of getting a blog hasn't worn off yet

i'm having a lot of fun really

but anyway

i know you all really want to hear about my..eventful day

ok so i woke up this morning in a bad mood, it's not usually a good sign. i have CCF today as well, which is a general dampener. it's like, it's ok whilst i am at ccf, but in the morning i always dread it, and that feeling generally builds up throughout the day. spent maths in a boring state, i got told that i'd be getting detention if i didn't do more work. the sad thing is, i understand it all, it's just so pathetically boring that i really can't summon the strength to do it. that makes me sound slightly big headed. i guess i am quite big headed actually, i'm not good at maths guys don't worry. yeah anyway, erm i can't remember my other lessons, so they can't have been very..interesting. Registration was..fun. Delightful Dr Agnostopolous decided to be be irksome as usual. i'm sorry but i really can't control my temper around that man. he claimed i was, "late" even though i was IN the room, but for some reason i have to be standing behind my chair. why do people stand up for teachers anyway? i don't like it, it makes them seem incredibly superior, probably to boost THEIR self esteem and give them a false sense of control, but whatever. my day. he decided to get the head of year, and they both gave me yet another lecture of how i'm extremely badly behaved and how i haven't made any improvement and they've had to give up all their time and how i'm incredibly selfish, nothing special, all that palava. is it palava? i seem to be a "problem child." although i'm really not, i just can't stand injustice. like being blamed for "letting the whole form down." yes, he said that guys. me? yes. he did. you're probably thinking. the injustice of it all. well you should.

YEAH ANYWAY, we had chemistry last and i thought it would be a good idea to pour silver nitrate all over my hand. I'm left with brown lines all over it that make me look like i have a disfiguring skin disease. one of my not so clever ideas.

after school, i decided not to go to ccf as i'd get in trouble for not having my berret or anything, so i went with jee eun to do her chores, well, chores as it were.

i think i have bad karma for not going to ccf, as AGAIN, i said to myself: i bet i'm going to see the person i DON'T want to see today. the came walking down the high street. after that i got steadily more depressed really. we went to clintons, where i just thought about how pointless all the masses of cards where, how they'd all get thrown away, and how many trees get cut down for that pointless reason. i decided i hate cards. don't get me any for my birthday guys. then we went to the bank, where i waited, and looked at all the boring middle aged people, and got scared i'd be like them, void of feelings practically. isn't it that every middle aged person you see has a neutral look on their face? yeah i hate that. then i saw a lady about fourty wearing all blue, and different shades and oh dear, it made me even more depressed. then i noted the interior design of the bank. the walls were pale green and the carpet was grey with those depressing patterns you get on powerpoint slides. yeah so i went home, where a mound of homework awaited, and my mother made me embark on a ridiculous DIY project to build a chair. oh and my brother kept following me when i REALLY needed space. so i went to sleep, woke up, and got a blog. i feel better now, you'll be pleased to know.

anyway i've written FAR too much. the little number of followers i may have earned, their interest is probably waning right about now. oh well

maria's very first blog post, well, i think so

wait so, is this a blog?

ok let us just assume it is, i daresay i haven't quite got the hang of this yet

so, blogs hmm?

i'm generally not very interested in these kind of things, but after reading my dear friend lizzie's i think i'll give it a go. hi lizzie btw, if you happen to be here

i guess first blogs are introductory right? as all thing are

so, i'm maria, not an altogether pleasant name, it means bitter. According to facebook anyway

i'm kind of a normal kid i guess. well at least, i'm in the position to be a normal kid, i don't think i'm quite "normal" though. i've been told that i'm a bit weird, a bit of freak, the general. Even though, i could be, define normal? i could be normally and everyone else could be weird and we'll never know. anyway i tend to go on a bit too much, and go into topics unrelated and what not

I love the beatles, could talk about them for ages and they're my absolute favourite band

i like music alot actually, especially the cure, jack penate, the kinks, blur, laura marling, kate nash, sonic youth, stuff like that really..

I'm quite temperamental and i tend to be quite..sad at times

i can sometimes be happy, but i'm not sure that it's really happiness or what i kid myself to believe. I'm probably just saying that cause i'm in a bad mood though, someone once said to me that someone else said that: "it's good to talk to maria when you're depressed because she's the only one who's more depressed than you."

nice to know, hmm?

i tend to have quite odd mannerisms, and i'm known for singing/talkign to myself pretending to be horrid henry and what not and generally being weird in lessons. i can't help it though, i just get distracted.

alright anyway, enough of this, i'm going to talk about my days, as i gather that's what you should do