you leave me washed up begging for more

i succumbed and i feel dirty

lmao

i've moved to tumblr

please forgive me, blogger

i daresay i shall realise how rash i have been and return to you soon

www.thisisgaywastaken.tumblr.com

curse you :|

just trash, me and you, it's in everything we do

so, gcses are over and my first three days back have been fun and games!

although i am rather shattered today, i shall have plenty more fun and games to go! wow i'm on a roll. i am trying to get out of the "nothing interesting happens in my life" mindset. because..interesting things are going on. and now, i'd rather they wouldn't. LMAO. i really am a big fat fail. i have come to terms that i am half a person in every respect, every (think about that). so i can never do anything. because the other half tells me not to.

I think, i can't connect to people, and if someone likes me but i don't feel a connection, i can't pursue it, even though that's probably the only person who likes me. what a pickle.

anyway that's not bothering me too much, i am convinced everything will fall in its right place if you don't think about it, and maybe this isn't the right place.

ok anyway, i'm still happy. i went to camden two days ago and bought a nice floral skirt (NOT A CLICHE ONE) it was brown and yes, really quite nice. a crop mickey mouse novelty-looking top, i don't even know why i bought it, but it is quite nice. and a gypsy looking dress, also floral (but also not cliche) i have wanted some nice floral things for ages and i finally got it.

i know there's an answer

i'm irritatingly mellow right now. i'm too calm for two days before GCSES, and whilst everyone around me is completely freaking out for various reason i'm just patronisingly "patting them on the head". but i just feel like everyone is too unappreciative.

sure you're in trouble or sure you have gcses BUT AT LEAST YOU'RE ALIVE AND HAVE A WHOLE WORLD (not to mention a whole universe) out there. there's so much, so much, out there and people waste their lives feeling sorry for themselves. if you're upset go outside. play chess. read. draw. amuse yourself. create a whole world in your head. don't sit in your room and sulk like a pmsing bitch.

ok i need to clarify something, i feel eyebrows raising. being pissed off is fine, it's healthy. being SAD is fine, it's necessary. but sulking for days on end and forgetting everything because of stress or whatever is just annoying; precious time is ticking away.

that's a valuable lesson i've learn over the past year and i can honestly say i haven't been properly stressed, stroppy or 'depressed' for more than half an hour for a long time and it feels great. i really am very different from then hmm

anyway mind you, like the hypocritical bitch that i am if i get anything less than three a*s i'll be duly thrown off my pedestal and proceed to completely losing my head for a day or so. but for now, life is SWEET. i can almost taste it.

better run run run run run run run away

you learn something new everyday, i learnt that musicals are bad today. the singing ruins the acting, and the acting ruins the singing. they should just never, never mix and stick to where they are. As soon as you mix two thinks you have to make both a bit shitter, and it is annoying. I saw blood brothers, it was a good story and the acting was good but to be honest the singing just ruined it for me. I found myself trying to make myself feel sad at the end when they both died, but I just couldn't do it, so I just sat stony faced throughout the rest of the performance.

my main annoyance today is girls who like to fashion themselves the quiet, shy heroine of typical girl films eg. bella from twilight. Most of these girls are simply people with not much personality that believe in an idyllic ending resulting in the best looking boy dumping his girlfriend and falling in love with them. these people spend their whole lives waiting for their edward cullen, who never comes. lmao

oh days listening to my chemical romance. I think deep down my inner emo (LOL) still likes listening to them

picture book of people with each other, to prove they love each other

serious kinks loving at the moment, going through one of those phases.

I'm reading Tortilla Flat by john steinbeck at the moment, I love his writing style; it's not ostentatiously full of long complex sentences and unnecessary vocabulary. In fact, his sentences are quite simple and short, but I think that enunciates the effect

I've been thinking about hypocritical romantic behaviour. Many people always take a cynical view on traditional cliche romance before they have the chance to be involved in it. And as soon as they find their one and only they become sickeningly infatuated, much to the annoyance of everyone around them. And before you raise your eyebrow and think: "just because she's bitter," i'm not, I love romance, if it's not sickening, soppy "i love you, you mean the world to me." I think true romance is the sonnet shakespeare wrote, sonnet 130? "my mistress's eyes are nothing like the sun etc.." It's realistic and truthful and that makes it beautiful if anything- hyperboles are horrible. I hate "she is the most beautiful girl in the world." of course they're not. Do people who say this honestly think they have never seen a better looking person, and when this relationship eventually ends they will most likely find someone new to take the place of the previously unconquerable position of "most beautiful girl in the world.

I hate "i love you" even more. If you love someone saying I love you makes no difference at all. It is a word that anyone can say, and the reason girls always complain about being broken hearted is because they were dumb enough to listen to three words, and words are all they are, that are so, so easy to say. So easy to say that it has lost all its meaning, anyway. The amount of times I have seen girls telling each other they love each other when in reality they hate each other. I guess on the occasion that you're feeling a strong surge of affection it's ok, but really, at the end of every text, every conversation.

Don't say you love someone publicly if you wouldn't say it to them in person.

Don't worry, if this happens to me and I become a soppy infatuated ponce you have my permission to remind me of this time, and to call me as hypocritical as you please

turnitupturnitupturnitupturnitupturnitupturnitupp

forgot about robots in disguise.

..well today has just been lovely, hasn't it? i had two tests, de-activated my facebook when i came home, revised for three hours, and did absolutely nothing nice today, apart from sit on the field during rounders in the sun hitting my back, but the breeze interfering just at the right time, and learn interesting things about astronomy.

Furthermore, I was again the butt of all the school's totalitarian regime. apparently taking my earrings and hair accessories out and rolling my skirt down isn't enough. no, now i have to "stand straight" and "brush my hair - it's not as tidy as it should be." :| i, for one, refuse to stand down and allow the school to "rectify" me. It's complete facism. I'm going to backcomb my hair just to be annoying. I know smartass stuff like that is what gets me in trouble in the first place, but i just can't help it.

nice boring blog for today, my life for the next two weeks is going to be nothing but electrolysis and mitosis. fml. i know it's annoying, but sometimes fml is necessary. having a standard life is worse than having a bad one and i stick to that, although not boring because i amuse myself and this arrangement is only temporary i say

walk across the garden in the footsteps of my shadow

slowly broadening my shoegaze horizons beyond my bloody valentine:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbBq5W1v6p0 i especially love this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7FqUNlEdwA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YtB4kxfQPs

Asides from that, i've been meaning to write many blogs about politics, music, happenings and i've made mental notes but i have forgotten them all. I'd like to put my inactivity down to revising, but that's really not the case. I SHOULD be revising, but i simply can't be bothered.

On Friday I stayed at home, tired from watching politics on 4:30, and thoroughly depleted after watching the number of lib dem seats fall. i should think they would do SLIGHTLY better, but everyone played safe i guess. hung parliament, i like it. I like the fact that even though the lib dems haven't done well they still get to ultimately decide. tory coalition is inevitable, they might have done it already, i haven't kept up with politics since friday, i don't even know what's going on right now, I will have to see. David Cameron is a horrible shade of pink that makes me slightly nauseous, I don't think I could stand to see him prime minister. I think if the voting age had been lowered the lib dems would have done much better, oh well. It would have been nice if they won, or the monster raving loony party. now, i am not saying this because i'm being typically "wacky and weird." I have read their manifesto, and some of their suggestions are very sensible. England would be far more..fun, albeit shambolic. There is a squiggly red line under "shambolic," but I am PRETTY sure that it is a word. hmm

Oh on saturday I realised I had more money on my card than anticipated, so i went to my favourite place when i have a spare ten pounds: Primark. I bought a loose grey skirt that can go with anything for two pounds, those spotty tights i have wanted for so long and a checkered skirt that fits well but which i'm guessing i'll never wear. I was walking to sutton when a big group of raucous chavs called out: "YOU LOOK LIKE LADY GAGA LOVE" and "ALRIGHT GAWJUSS." That's all fine, but a bit later I got a: "she looks like santa claus-what a stupid hat" referring to my ferret hat, one of my favourites. It's ironic, being called santa claus by someone twice the size of me. heh. I watched the unborn later, films are getting less original. True say it was quite scary, mindfucking, and i found it scarier than something like the shining because it was dealing with the paranormal, and the random screaming little scary ghost boy who made shock appearances throughout the whole film didn't help much, but i didn't actually find myself scared.

yeah bye all, i'm not going on the computer until the 28th of may, i need to really revise. this is going to fail, i know.

oh yeah, i'm in shit when i go to school tomorrow, i didn't go on friday when i was meant to get lectured and shouted at. they're going to think i bunked, and i will get in more trouble. my form tutor told me he wants to get me into as much trouble as i possibly can. lovely, eh

all i'm saying pretty baby, la la love you don't mean maybe

i love this song,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnx3lzPIZ6U

it's not even particularly meaningful, but it's skippy and i like whistling. I whistle whenever i'm on my own now, i can whistle really quite well now.

The bluebells yesterday were lovely! it was the last week when they were in bloom, and even though it was cold and raining it was so nice; whippy cold air has always been the nicest air. anyway the bluebells were like a purple carpet for as far as you could see, and dancing through them was positively beautiful. short-lived full contentment ensued.

my father just walked in and told me to revise. i revised for one and a half hours when i got home. the only motivation i have is blackmail. I am having the laptop confiscated, my allowance stopped and i am going to be grounded for the whole summer if I get anything less than AT LEAST two a*s. that is an awful lot of pressure, but i guess pressure makes it more thrilling, tests do give you a kind of adrenaline.

I have to rethink what I previously thought about boring people. boring people are boring people, and there's nothing more to them. they're clever alright, but they are dull. dull, insipid, arid, banal, humdrum, mundane. We did an exercise today, you had to write about who you were. I sat through an hour of listening to people tell me they liked JLS, watching television, and their values were their friends and family. Does no-one do anything anymore? I'm not one to talk because I just sit on my arse but at least I think, have interests, and am capable of doing more than valuing family and friends. Moments like these I really lose faith in fellow human beings. I usually regain it though by seeing two lovers or general nice deeds, or when someone you don't know smiles at you, that's all very nice.

who knows how long i've loved you

Listening to the beatles with invigorated passion. I love the silly skippy songs like for the benefit of mr kite and i am the walrus. I'm also listening to songs i hadn't really listened to by them before and i love them! I will is lovely, and as is hey bulldog, i just love john lennon and his howling and yapping and how free he is in that. I've also been listening to more david bowie, ashes to ashes is by far my favourite. I also came across a pretty little band called larrikin love on last fm. they sound a bit like the babyshambles and they are lovely: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSm_xmWbOeI

I've been doing an awful lot of television watching this weekend. Yesterday i went to the library to revise, everyone else i know has been going to parties and gallavanting about. i feel like i'm getting sadder by the minute and the minute these gcses are over i will be over the moon. perhaps too over the moon, and then i'll be scared that i'm not having as much fun as i should be, ever get that?

Anyway about television, I've been watching a lot of south park and family guy. I'm warming to family guy actually , I used to think it was actual poppycock, but it really can be quite happy. I think Quagmire's my favourite character. we're quite similar, heh. I finally watched south park the movie which I loved. I know none of you watch south park (you really should) but i'm going to write about ten of my favourite episodes, seeing as i haven't really had any thoughts or encounters over the past two days.

1. Imagination Land Trilogy - the funniest, silliest thing i have ever watched. It's genius, and I love all the references to imaginary characters. I also love Cartman, my favourite character, in this.

2. The Ungroundable - i love this purely because it takes the piss out of emos and it's butters at his best. also, i love the goth kids. they should take part more

3. Towelie - Towelie is absolutely hilarious, only south park could think of a towel who likes getting high.

4. You have 0 friends - i love how this take the piss out of facebook and it's again just really silly

5. Scott Tenorman must die - Cartman at his evil best! I love every minute of this

6. Cancelled - This is an amazing, amazing idea. It might even be true!

7. You got fucked in the ass - black kids and dancing duck are hilarious

8. Die Hippy, die - I like hippies, but it's so true

9. Make Love, Not Warcraft - watched this so many times, never gets boring.

10. Major Boobage - I love all the boob references and the whole psychedelic thing they have going on.

You won't get this unless you watch south park.

I'm going to the forest tomorrow to see the bluebells, that should be fun

it's spitting, angels die with you

i love crystal castles at the moment, so raw and electronic. listening to their lyrics though, they seem to make no sense. i think, nowadays, you can say absolute poppycock but people will always find a way to make it sound deep and meaningful, and when stated that it is complete poppycock that person is said to be stupid and not able to see the deeper truth. i've come to terms with myself that i shouldn't constantly search for deeper truth when, most probably, there is no deeper truth.

i haven't blogged for a while, mainly because people wrote on my formspring like, i like your blog, you should write in it, hence i felt pressurised and decided not to

anything happened from now and last time i blogged? i honestly don't think so. I've been revising. Revising is one of the only things that makes me depressed at the moment. it's the thing that "opens the doors" as it were, which makes me think more depressing things. i feel like my precious life is slowly sifting away from me, like a sand timer. and the sand particles where i could have had fun, relaxed, or not what i want are being wasted and i don't even see them. it's really, really horrible, and i just lose all will to live because all i'm doing is this menial task.

but whatever i'm fine i guess, i'm slowly becoming meaner to my intense amusement, but i'm becoming nicer at the same time, i honestly don't know how two complete opposites work together in one, maybe i have split personality. one minute i look at someone and think of a quite frankly horrible way to describe them, and then i see something else really happy, smile, and feel like a good, kind person. yet i don't have any of these rifts within myself constantly like you would expect. i'm still finding myself, and i guess it's quite hard to find yourself on your own. i think i'm going to spend my whole life finding myself, finally realise when i'm 82 and die.

here's a question for you all that i've been wondering about today. if the whole universe was destroyed, everything completely obliterated, would objects still be. for example, would i still be maria. because i would be gone, of course but i would have been, but then there would have been no record of me, and no time. oh another thing, in complete, infinite nothingness where nothing happens, is there time?

morning blogging again, i should be visiting my friend later on in the day if all goes according to plan. these past few days have been good, the day before yesterday i had a photoshoot-esque thing which went alright although some were blurry :( i shall put some up if this works. oh i also got a soviet union pilot hat which is banging, and a ushanka? is it, a big black furry russian hat which has the soviet union sign on it, hehe, so more to add to my ever growing hat collection

i still haven't got a name for the cat yet, it's cute but it follows me EVERYWHERE, and constantly wants to play.

i'm having fun being a bitch and pissing everyone off atm. i'm such a keyboard warrior, but to be honest, everyone is. "if you hate me say it to my face." now, i highly doubt the people who say this actually go up to people they don't like, especially if they're their friends and tell them straight out they hate them. anyone who says this is frankly sanctimonious and hypocritical

i think i'm going to write a list later, lists are fun and everyone likes lists. i need to watch south park's new episode though. apparently it's a huge mash up of all the different characters. i really shouldn't get excited over south park.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNQ97P0rQk8

i love that ^

one thing you can't hide is when you cripple inside

my lovely sunglasses. yes i'm aware of the fact i look like a douche but i thought i'd buy them anyway

i'm blogging from the garden today, thought i'd get a bit of serene relaxation. unfortunately it's cold and the neighbours are redecorating and the builders next door are playing capital. one more "i can make your bedrock".. i was going to climb our tree and read in it, but that didn't work because as soon as i'd skilfully climbed it i got a phonecall and had to go back down.

i got a cat by the way..i'll put up pictures. oh in the next one. i just realised i haven't uploaded & effort getting camera. i can't find it though, which is a bit annoying. i hope it hasn't got run over

i've been doing fuck all these days, in fact i've been a bit sad. but i can easily make myself fine again by rationalising in my head, which is what i've done. i'm happy doing fuck all, and i've been downloading some really good music, thank you to the recommender. at the moment i really like spoon, the kills, neon indian, beach house and i've been downloading more john lennon which is GENIUS. oh and blood red shoes' new song, and mgmt's new one too. it annoys me when people say: "they should stick to their old sound." if the beatles stuck to their old sound they wouldn't have made some of the best songs in the world. Change is good for everyone. hum, i'm quite into ambient dreamy music at the moment.

i'm looking at clouds now, i just saw a dove and a doughnut. oh now the sun's out. i absolutely love when it shines through leaves and branches and disperses everywhere.

cross your fingers, hold your toes

haven't blogged in a while, i seem to be saying this on every blog post.

i can talk about my easter holidays if you so desire

i've been doing something every day, so that's kind of cool

i already spoke about thursday and friday

saturday was church all night, it was kind of cool

nice atmosphere with food and a big fire and all

sunday family friends, but it was ok because we played articulate

best board game ever

monday general cotching and film watching

tuesday i went for a photoshoot and general wood ambling

lovely day, lovely scenery, that's my favourite picture ^ it won't move though

wednesday i went to camden and did a top bit of bargain hunting

brown worn looking doc martens for FIVE pounds, lennon sunglasses which make me look like a douche, and velvet blazer for five pounds, pretty good heheh

and today i had a nice day sitting on a piece of grass watching the clouds and lazing around

oh i also got my cartilage pierced, which looks awesome

yeah that's up there too, but i can't move the pictures and it's being really gay

i'm in love with piercings now, though

next i'm getting my nose, even though everyone has said not to

i just need to save

doing all this has made my wellbeing just fine

i think i'm pleasantly content, but i think there's only so much of pleasant contentedness you can take before you want a change, and to be honest i do and i know exactly what change i'd like but i'm happy with that not happening. i'm happy with however situations go, but i tire of happiness.

creeping down my bones, reminds me i'm alone

i actually love lightspeed champion. i don't even know what it is, i just do.

i'm kind of glum today, even though the sun is shining, this is the only time i'm down when the sun's out, but i guess i have a reason to be. irrational, yes. i guess it's just the feeling of being alone, all the time. the room just darkened as i said that. get in there pathetic fallacy. i've been telling myself i'm fine by myself, but i have so much i need to talk about, and i don't really have people i can talk to, so i just talk to myself in my head. but there's only so much you can say before you have to actually speak to someone else. i don't even need a boyfriend as such, not even a friend. just someone i can actually speak to and mean what i say, because 80% of the time i'm lying or feeling awkward. call yourself an open person, maria :|

sad things aside, i've had a good past two days. i have midnight communion today because it's easter. i've been so good. LMAO. i'm going to burn in hell. if there is a hell, which i'm pretty sure there isn't. it's kind of weird how people can't accept that there is nothing after death, it's so logical, and sorry, but whoever suggests otherwise is delirious and in strong denial.

i'm feeling better now. i just have to tell myself some things and i feel neutral again. i think i've managed to completely control my feelings now, which is kind of cool

i really need to do something productive with my time, but if you don't feel like doing something, you can't just make yourself do something, so i'll just wait for the urge to do something

oh, you pretty things

allow no-one blogging anymore. well i may just have to, i wonder who still reads hmm. haven't blogged in a while actually. as you can probably expect, nothing interesting is going on in my life right now. i'm going to a party tomorrow. and the day after. that's about it. i will most probably be sober for both because i am now a boring person.

i'm feeling very negative and annoyed right now. maybe i'm tired, even though i can't sleep. it's kind of horrible, feeling so tired but then not sleeping. it's probably something to do with reading Poe before i go to sleep and seeing all sorts of fucked up things because of that. heh. but i sound so down, of course, i'm not. i haven't actually been sad for a long, long time. melancholy and lethargic, maybe. but i think they can be happy too. i'm ok right now because i don't care about anything really.

if all goes well i'm getting snug pierced tomorrow. IF ALL GOES ACCORDING TO PLAN and i look sixteen. lol. if not i'll just have to get plain old cartilage for now

uh i love dinosaur jr. and kasabian right now. i have misjudged kasabian. i placed them in the bland indie section with the enemy etc. actually, they're really good. LSF, love love love. oh and these new puritans. i actually knew about them ages ago when they were unheard of. i don't even know how. orion, attack music, we want war mmm.

and i also love um, nose piercings. everyone has told me not to do it, so i'll just do it later, in the summer holiday or something

what do i love at the moment? not much. south park. i don't love anyone. that's sad.

my hate list spans on for kilometres. i'm not even joking

what do i hate at the moment?

flowers. on 97% of people. because they're cool everyone's wearing them now. they're wearing them wrong too, and they don't even look nice. i sound pretentious when i say this but i wore them first. well, before they were cool. burn.

one day, someone's going to look at me, and say, hey you're copying so and so, you're wearing a flower in your hair. i will personally kill the person who says that.

i watch too much grumpy old men/women. it's really not good for all my anger

it's because of the weather too. it's been raining for three days in a row. it makes me miserable

wow i've been using a lot of short sentences today

ok anyway, it's the easter holidays tomorrow. i'm dreading it actually. to be honest, i think a week is enough, i'll be scared of not having anything to do.

i'm stuck forever in your mind

i take an abnormal interest in people. you know those moments when you're like: wow, and you just feel like, a sudden rush of, love? for them. no, not love, intense interest and wonder. i don't know. i've had that today. i get it with cartoon characters too LOL. i'm currently making it my aim to watch every single episode of south park ever. i love it so much. and yes, it is funny.

it was a lovely day today and on my way home i decided that instead of making sure i look at every little thing and appreciate it and scrutinize it that i'll just let my mind flow and walk home, and it was lovely. it's nice just to listen to general noise. there never is silence, because even silence has a noise.

i just wrote out my whole to do list but it came up with a lot of annoying html writing

that's really, really annoying

this monkey's gone to heaven

another bored, lethargic sunday post. i was thinking, i wish sunday didn't exist. but then, saturday would be like sunday. so i guess it's necessary.

i pierced my third hole in my right ear yesterday, and attempted my second in my left ear for the FIFTH time. the FIFTH time. i hate that ear with a passion.

This weekend I haven't achieved much, i've redone my wall and tidied it and made it look nice. i found a nice little container that i keep tea bags in, so i now have a teapot, and tea bags, and tea cups in my room, and i can just bring my teapot upstairs and drink and make it in my room :)

i also found little things to just put in my room, like a tambourine heh. i really like my room, i'm proud of it.

I did go out on friday actually, so i'm not completely anti social. i was responsible (sort 0f) yet again. "getting drunk" has lost its appeal, anyway. i don't even like alcohol, and i'll just end up doing stupid things, not even fun stupid things, just stupid things. anyway, i won't remember anything, and i always have moments that i remember a year later and smile. i have those a lot. just now, i remembered my holiday in romania, when our family+cousin's family all went and had a barbeque in the middle of the mountain. i love romania, and hopefully this summer, i'll be going minus my parents to the beach with cousins and people. the sky is absolutely magical there

Yesterday i got the urge to write, so i wrote a long list of all the different stereotypes. it's quite offensive and racist, and if i put it up here people would probably get upset LOL. i was looking through a facebook group that was similar, but about a mixed american school. i think i was the awkward person: "this persons always mumbling and fiddling and is a mess." hehh

yeah anyway i'm off to, uh, waste my day

i love you sugar kane

i can finally listen to music again, and i've been catching up on music. downloaded more of the drums WHO I WILL BE SEEING LIVE (hopefully). more xx, pete doherty's album which is BEAUTIFUL and marina's album which i've been wanting to for ages. it didn't fail to disappoint, i love every song. i really don't understand how ellie goulding won the brit and not her. oh and ke$ha. guilty pleasure, i know. her tunes are just so infectious and i love her style + look.

we had parent's evening today. it's funny listening to everyone panic about how mrs so and so HATES them and they're going to get SUCH a bad report, when they're perfect studious nonsuch girls with studious nonsuch friends who never forget to give in their homework and say they don't revise when they've spent about a week revising. now, i'm not trying to sound baddamanz and insinuate that i get bad reports all the time, it's just annoying from a person who is generally worse than school than them to hear them lament over how their english teacher told them off for talking that very day. funny though, they all said i was very "bright" and asked good questions. that's all i can do really, ask questions and think a lot. i can't write to save my life, which i thought i could previously do. but i don't make any effort/don't focus/have a bad attitude etc. i could if i tried but my heart's not in it, and i don't think it will ever be. I'll probably fail my GCSEs and my whole life from lack of effort. so, studious nonsuchians, unless you actually have a problem don't whine for no reason.

I'm aware i'm being hypocritical because i complain too, but this is one thing i can safely say i don't whine about for no reason. i need to stop saying "i feel fat" because that's practically the same situation. i don't genuinely think i'm fat, just for clarification. i just want to preserve my current weight and i'm increasingly paranoid about being fat. and i love it when bones show so if i want to lose weight it's for that alone

new love grows on trees

this is reminding me of pete doherty and making me feel even worse. everyone apart from me saw him on friday

i'm blogging in the morning which i don't usually do, but i have a day of absolutely nothing in front of me and jack all to do now

alice in wonderland is an awful film, it gives me pain to admit. it has got to be tim burton's worst film. the plotline is predictable, alice is a terrible actor, the storyline is mucked up, and the script is absolutely awful. johnny depp though, as always, was amazing.

after i saw that i went to one of those "piss ups" and nearly went mad so i had to leave. i wasn't even drunk like most other people. i just hated everything in the world at that second and felt intensely sad. i haven't felt that sad in a good few months. i can't really explain it. i've completely lost any socialising skill that i used to have, but i just don't see the point in idle chatter with the same people. i have a lot of fun on my own sometimes. i liked walking back home. when you're not in a rush and you're practically alone with the stagnant world there's so much you can do. you can sit down anywhere you want, for however long you want. i sat in the field and it was lovely and quiet and open and still, and i realised how fun it is to walk down streets in the dark on your own. it's not scary, quite the contrary actually. you can step however loud you want, you can dance all the way down the streets and you can shout at the top of your voice. i had one of those moments, you know, when you realise how real everything is and how much you can really do.

people have probably seen the paris pictures on facebook and i can't really be bothered. i like these two, courtesy of anoushka. she told me to tell everyone when they asked if she was good at photography, i was meant to say amazing. so uh, she's amazing

back from paris, mes amis

as you can expect, i had a lovely time.
pictures and more to come my friends
i've been in england for two hours and i hate everybody already, lulz

i can't even put lyrics here because i can't listen to music and nothing springs to mind

it's an awful shame.
for the past two days i have been working incessantly
i'm about to pierce my third hole in my left ear, but i can't because i have too much work
god, my life is so BAD
read that out loud and you'll see i'm being sarcastic
but you can't really do that over computer
i haven't written in what seems to be a while; in truth it's probably a week or so.
erm, what's going on in your life, maria? you may be asking yourself
fear not, i can tell you if you really want to know
i joined the gym today. i had an induction. my body fat perecentage is above average. i officially hate my body all over again.
i bought new pretty things on sunday. i think it's because my mum felt guilty because she screamed at me and slapped me round the face, heehee. i now have a beret, for france (apparently no-one in france even wears berets), lace leggings which i have been wanting for ages, fabulous new shoes and lots of different coloured earrings. i just realised that most countries are identified with ancient things that no one ever does anymore. people say everyone moving everywhere and introducing culture is a good thing, but the true identification of most countries has died, and all countries are just becoming a mix of each other. sort of like when you have loads of different coloured paints on a tray, but then you just mix them ALL together and they make a sludgy brown colour, does that make sense?
I always go off track, but that's pretty much it.
hmm, i'm at loss for what to say, and i need to do yet more work
i have no idea where it all came from

it's funny when people try and sound powerful, but it fails.

it's also funny when people try and sound "ranty" and like to set themselves apart from a group they blatantly belong to.

it's also funny when people pretend to be interested in something, but then they take it over the top and it's obvious to see they're not interested at all.

i thought about those three points for a while, and i don't personally think i'm being a hypocrite saying that. feel free to think otherwise, i'm a hypocrite in every sense of the word, and aren't we all.

i'm annoyed today, i've been a bitch to everyone all day for my intense amusement. i got locked out of my house and had to stand in the rain for a long time. i would say it was karma, but i realised there's no such thing as karma, or luck. because everything that happened would have happened anyway, regardless of what you did before it or not. for example, i forgot my key today, and my brother who had the keys was at homework club and came back later. these would have happened whether i had been a bitch or not. just because something good happens, does not mean it's luck, it just means that something good has happened when you have wanted it to, which is not uncommon. it happens just about as many times as something bad happens.

wow, how nice is this? why can't the sky look like this here?

bruges

how lovely is that? people houses were hanging over the canal, it's so pretty. all these pictures are in a weird order.

ignore my face please. ignore my face on most of these

again, ignore my face. and my incredibly neeky brother. we ate full lobsters and oysters, which are disgusting. everyone in belgium is so nice, and when they give you tea, the give you a glass of hot water and you do it yourself and they give you cake along with it. they don't do that in england :(

most of the day we just looked at old belgian buildings and went to art galleries, so it was a pretty cultural weekend

mmmm i love this

i love the little alleyways as well, everyone goes round on bikes there

pretty things i wasn't allowed to get. my dad was being stingy, i really wanted a lace parasole, so i could walk around in the sun looking like i've come out of the victorian times, but i'm "already odd enough" according to mon pere, so i just got a pretty little tapestry-esque purse.

we went all the way up that tower, and we saw the whole of bruges for miles around

i like

typical ferry picture

anyway, it was a really nice holiday actually, even though my brother just picked at me constantly and my dad got us lost, and we missed the market, AND we couldn't go to the salvador dali gallery, which i really wanted to see; we went to other galleries though, so it was ok.

i'm glad to hear nothing to spicy went down while i was away, and tomorrow i'm just going to have a day of sloth and doing nothing, before school starts again. but then in two weeks, i'm off to le beau paris!

it's just what all young lovers do

i'm listening to the maccabees, i don't really like them, but about your dress is nice

i did something social for the second time this week. well, i just went round my friends, ate a lot of food, "caught up," played scrabble and watched horror films. so just like, a mellow day really. we watched poltergeist, which was awful. i love horror films, but i still have to see one which will proper scare me and send shivers down my spine. most horror films don't really, stick, because you know that it's all being directed and i can imagine it all being filmed etc. anyway, most of them are hysterically funny because they're so fake.

i've been packing for belgium tomorrow, and i have to go to sleep early. early meaning ten thirty, ridiculously early. still taking more photos. that's what i wore today. all the pictures of my face were too ridiculously butters. i cut my hair in a vain attempt to make myself feel better, but none of the pictures look nice, so i can't put it up. i have a block fringe now. my grandfather gave me that scarf yesterday. all the old people stared at me when i got on the bus today. i've never seen a more depressing bus. there was not ONE person younger than 50. i had to listen to their dull conversations hoping i'd never be that old. i'm hoping to die pretty young. as Kurt Cobain said "it's better to go with a bang than fizzle out with a pop." i want to die at the peak of my life, i'll die happiest, and i don't think i can bear waking up day after day knowing i'm slowly heading to decline.

erm, depressing things aside, i realised i find 40-50 ish men so attractive. The fitch twins' dad in skins is so good looking. same as colin firth. when he was in pride and prejudice, mmm. same as dr cox in scrubs. i know it's weird, but he's strangely attractive. jonny depp when he's older also

my dad's screaming at me now. it's ten thirty, oh dear me, i better go to sleep. he frustrates me so much, i haven't gone to sleep at this time for at least five years. i hate sleeping, because i get depressing and disturbing thoughts before i go to sleep, so i make myself as tired as possible, and go to sleep at two or something.

it's your life, it's your party it's so awful

time for yet more diversity, whilst i see if i can post links. this really is such a nice songhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDNZj3dXcFM

yesterday, i went to a good friend of mine's house, and we drank a lot of tea and caught up and i slept over. that was nice. today, i was meant to go to london and beyond retro, nicest shop in the world. but it was raining, which was a bit annoying. i have a lot to say, and it's all sort of jarring up and i can't get it out right. yesterday, i got called a fucking cunt, and got told i was the ugliest thing in the world by a year seven who didn't even know me because i was "getting rude". they're getting mouthier and mouthier. i would never do that to, let's say, a year 13. people need to know their place :

anyway, i'm still excited about the camera and have been taking yet more fruitless pictures. heh, that's what i wore yesterday plus a trench coat. i AM wearing shorts by the way. i don't really dress for the weather because i like knee high socks and wearing long tops over shorts that don't look like shorts - it drives my mother insane. she wants me to be a normal looking romanian girl who wears jeans and trainers and talks in sickly sweet romanian and gives her hugs twnety four seven. heh. i don't complain, i like cold. i like it when you walk outside and the cold rushes past your cheeks and heats them up. i love my necklace although it's a bit cliche accesorize, even though it doesn't come from accesorize. i could literally talk about clothes all day, but that's probably not what people want to hear.

i watched the brits for the first time ever. it was pleasantly entertaining, and i loved liam gallagher. it's nice that lady gaga got all those awards, she really is amazing. thankfully it wasn't all too chipmunk-esque dominated, and apart from jls getting two awards (what the hell) and cheryl cole delivering quite frankly an awful performance, people like florence and the machine and kasabian got awards :)

my wellbeing is ok and at the moment i'm perfectly fine with not doing much, i will need some excitement soon though. i may be going to belgium this weekend, though, that will be nice. damn i have to find alternatives for "nice"

you're a sweet sweet girl, but it's a cruel cruel world

i finally have a camera, my prayers have been answered out of the blue. so, time for some diversity; i've been having a lot of fun with it. today i cried for the first time in ages, it felt really refreshing. then i played mario galaxy, and dressed up. i'm probably going to be following this pattern for the next week, but at least i can find myself more and change undesirable characteristics. i've had the most unsatisfactory "valentine's day," but to me, valentine's day is just another day, so it was ok. i can not stop listening to you were always the one by the cribs.

anyway, i've dyed my hair, and pierced my ear again. i did it without ice or anything, i just stabbed the needle - sterilized, of course - through repeatedly, then i had to do some more stabbing with the earring, and pierce the back of my ear with it's practically blunt surface, hehehe.

> you can't really see the colour there, and it's more purple. but i like what i'm wearing, hehe. the hat and the bracers (is it bracers?) are both my grandfathers, so i think i can safely say they're "vintage."

a lot of clothes claim to be vintage, when they're about five years old. charity shops just say something's vintage when it's ugly and disgusting to make it more appealing. but yeah, and my t-shirt's my beloved sonic youth t-shirt, from camden.

that's my favourite corner of my room. i really do love my room. i did all the decorations myself, my cousins painted the walls (one purple, one stripey) and my friend sophie sprayed graffiti on one wall, and did a collage on the other. most of the posters are from market stalls, the beatles one is from hmv

you were always the one

i went for an hour walk from sutton to cheam and just along roads i hadn't been down before. i felt life everywhere, and i could almost taste it. it was just there and i was in it and it was beautiful, i can't explain. but for the moment that has made me strangely acceptant, and i'm living for the second in front of me.

I bought hair dye today, in black cherry as opposed to red, but i hope it will look ok. i bought a new lipstick too, a really pale one. i love lipstick.

i need to find my camera charger so i can make my blog more diverse

i also need to stop correcting grammar, it does me no favours and i dare say annoys quite a few people. but i just can't help it sometimes

take a broken love song, keep it by your side

time's frozen, and i can't really remember how long it has been for, and there is absolutely no reason why i should be alive right now. i am doing nothing with my life, except complying with other people, being bitter, and waking up every morning and living the same thing over and over again. the constant repetition and dullness makes it seem like nothing, and days are blurring as i'm just idly hanging around, waiting for something interesting to happen. people say i should bring that about myself by making more of an effort socially, but i'd rather have no friends at all than have to be fake and bum people, and hang out with people i don't even like. so it looks like i'm going to be doing shit all this half term. i like about fourty people i know in my little corner of the world at the moment, and most of them don't really like me. anyway, despite all this i find i still can't give a shit, and whatever wants to happen i'll feel the same way about it. which is sort of cool, ish. anyway, after ages of living blandly, when something really colourful comes along, the colours will be even sharper and contrasting, and it will be much nicer to look at.
all of that aside, i'm going to actually do something this half term, so i'm going to write a to do list.
right, uh
1. find some meaning in life, whether be it by talking to people, or reading or whatever
2. try harder to read a brief history of time. also try and read some classics, shakespeare, hardy, etc
3. sort out my music. fix my ipod, get into the position where i can download music again, and organise my ipod library.
4. learn at least three more songs WELL on the ukulele
5. watch many more influential films. and a lot of old school horror films, they're usually the best.
6. Go out at least three times
7. Dye my hair red
8. finish decorating my room, get more posters for my other wall and find some pretty things at various markets etc to make it look nicer
9. have a maz and soph day
10. write something. poetry, whatever.
11. do something crazy
12. get second hole in my left and third hole in my right ear
13. make more friends
14. change attitude towards everyone and see good things in them. ahem
15. find someone who i can relate to on every level, effectively a "boyfriend" "friend with benefits," whatever, but i don't like those terms
16. make a proper diet plan, with plenty of exercise, and preferably a under-1000 calorie intake
17. go for a walk and rediscover the beauty of the countryside and cold british air
18. buy a lot of new clothes
and at least try and be happy. hmmmmmmmm

presents her with the pictures and says these are just ghosts that broke my heart before i met you

i forgot all about laura marling, and the mystery jets. i'm loving listening to them again. Laura Marling has awesome hair. speaking of hair, i'm planning of getting mine cut into shorter layers so it's REALLY big and curly, recutting my fringe and dying it electrifyingly red. my life is falling and becoming boring and i'm not doing anything apart from playing ukulele and studying:| so i need a change. i can now play the chords for somewhere over the rainbow and boats and birds, badly. but still, i'm proud of my achievement. I'd love that down there, but i don't really like the fringe.

i'll be your star, you'll be my sky

i am sick of that song. i have been practising it on the ukulele all day with no prevail. well, some prevail actually. i'm drinking tea from a tea pot and a little tea cup so i feel mighty fine. life is pleasant. naturally it's annoying, but annoying is pleasant. i found something out today that, even though it turns out to be true, didn't bother me at all, and it should have really. so i'm good.

love will tear us apart again

i have five things i want to say to you today

1. the xx are gold. crystalised is such a beauuuuutiful song

2. i got a ukulele today, it's yellow.all because i want to be indie of course.

3. Donnie darko is the most poignant, profound, beautiful, etcetcetc film i have ever seen. i think it even beats sweeney todd. watch it, and watch it now! in a nutshell: it's about a disturbed boy who gets taken into a tangent universe by frank, this weird scary bunny thing but people think he's schizophrenic and oh i don't know i don't know i didn't understand but it was so meaningful and it made me think a lot. oh yeah, and it has an awesome soundtrack, with stuff like joy division and pavement. i need to re-watch it one day.

4. i have no social life seeing as i did nothing social today and am doing nothing social tomorrow

5. i'm beginning to hate photographs. the amount of unecessary photographs capturing the same faces and the same unoriginal outfits and the same neutral stances, and excuses to look cool because you can TAKE PICTURES TOGETHER. photographs are losing their meaning.

ps. check out my stripy wall

she spoke words that would melt in your hand

wow, deep sea life is SO interesting. it's one o clock, and i'm reading about jellyfish and whales. hmm. anyway, did you know that whales make the loudest noises on earth? for animals, that is. you can hear them from 500 miles away. and they're about seven times louder than an airplane. and did you know that the biggest jellyfish in the world is something like 36.5 metres. that's really scary. anyway, i had another one of those days that just pass and you forget about them, and they just unnecessarily fill up your life. i didn't go to school, and did jack all. This weekend looks like it's going to be the same.

.

i just had a lie in until 1 o clock, and then decided to go on an eating binge, so now i feel ill, and fat, and thoroughly disenheartened. Anyway, I realised telling people about my day isn't what a blog should be, so time for changes.

Erm

erm

erm

erm

erm

i have nothing to write about that more than one million people are doing already.

I tried to start a journal recording all the thoughts I ever have, yesterday. But that's already failed, and i'm going to proceed to rip it up.

I do nothing with my life. Nothing.

I don't even "party" anymore.

I just waste away with thoughts that no-one wants to hear, and evidently i don't want to hear them either. I don't see the point in doing anything any more, because, if you really think about it, everything we do is to achieve our own personal eudaimonia, or in other words happiness. Like Aristotles said, there's no reason why we should want it, and if you dissect it it's nothing more than a feeling. And I can't feel happiness, or contentedness anymore, well, for no longer than a few seconds. I can't explain this, see, it doesn't sound right at all. I'm not even feeling sad, just pathetic that I can't understand or feel anything. And the thought of that should make me sad, but it doesn't. So i'm just going to float in and out of time, with everyone else who takes everything in, has everything done for them, and never puts anything out. I just feel apathetic about all this, because there's nothing else I can feel. Only very few people have the power to make me feel sad anymore, and I think I'm secretly wishing they'd make me sad, because I haven't felt that in ages and I want to feel it. I think they could make me happy, too, but I've stopped waiting for that to come, because I know it won't, it never will, and everything I've ever thought about THAT matter has been wishful thinking. I've stopped waiting for anything to happen, and I refuse to live on my tiptoes, waiting for something to occur which never, ever will.

So, with all the appropriate feelings, I resign to live in this new way, of no feelings or regard. It would be nice for something to happen, but I'm not sad that it won't.

ashes to ashes funk to funky

why, i'm blogging again, won't you look at that? seeing as i can't compose my thoughts into poetry or stories, i'll have to write somehow, or my life really is an utter waste of time. these past few, unproductive weeks i have been doing jack all: mindlessly wandering on facebook, general computering, hanging with the unloved kids, and blowing my nose. i have a cold, for the first time in ages. that's what i get for laughing at ill people and rubbing it into their face that i'm not ill. the plot has thickened, however, amidst general petty annoyances. I'm faced with a very sticky situation. Now, dickens has made it glaringly obvious that he likes me, but the sad fact is, i don't like him. sorry, dickens. anyway, i'm going to have to let him know sometime. it feels kind of scary to have that much power over someone, and knowing that one word can determine their felicity. I don't know if i like it.

Any other advancements? My fashion sense has changed, again, and i love it. I look forward to getting dressed more than i do getting out. So that makes me materialistically happy, at least. I'm just casually, taciturnly observing social situations around me. Last month's jeans don't seem to be in vogue, anymore. well, they won't be in a few weeks. It's funny watching how people behave when they know their temporary popularity is slipping away; they become more desperate, more obsequious. Anyway, social situations closer at hand are changing at an alarming rate. I may find myself with no friends, what with Golding and Hemingway becoming best pals, but i can't say the prospect is bothering me too much. As long as i have people i like who i get along with, I don't really mind.

asides from that, I keep getting momentary flashes of genius, about ten seconds or so, in which i think i can explain the world and all the words formulate together so well, and i'd love to write it down, but it slips away, and my transient enlightenment lapses into apathy.

there's nothing else to say, really.

apart from that the new marina and the diamonds album is coming out

i can't wait for that, she really is very, very good. I sincerely hope her most popular song doesn't get bummed by chavs, or that she gets overrated and alters her sound to suit a more mainstream audience

I'm invisible

I wonder if anyone can see me?

i can see alot of life in you, i can see alot of bright in you, and i think that dress looks nice on you

light banter is driving me round the fucking bend

has the world changed or have i changed?

i've been watching south park and various films for the whole weekend; and i've just been very idle. That was a bit of a waste of life. but i can't be bothered, again..

don't worry kyoko, mummy's only looking for her hand in the snow

nothing much to report, really. I missed two days of school because of snow, had normal snowy fun and it was all very nice. I'm not going out today because I don't want to get bored of the snow; there's plenty more where it came from. I'm oddly at peace, in a bored sort of way, which is ok for the time being, but my life really needs excitement.

i love him so much it just turns to hate

I fake it so much I am beyond fake, and some day you will ache like i ache

I've been listening to Hole so much recently; I can really relate to it recently.

but yeah, anyway, first day of school today; it was exactly like a normal day of school in 2009 in which nothing happens. It was full of dragged-out conversations about weather where people felt a need to talk, exchanges ofwhat christmas presents so and so received (money, clothes, camera, laptop) and nervous laughter in abundance. saying this, i, like the impudent hypocrite that i am, do exactly that so i won't feel so insecure about being anti-social. But enough with negativities, i daresay you've had enough of that. School was quite fun: I liked my lessons, I saw people I liked again who i really quite missed and I ate a lot :| I really need to sort my diet plan out, it's going all over the place. No i'm not trying to do a: "I'M GOING ON A DIET BECAUSE I'M SO FAT (sayimskinnyorimightcry)." I just find really skinny appealing. If i were to genetically modify myself i'd be tall, really thin and really pale. that's so nice. but oh well i shan't wallow in the fact that i'm not tall or ridiculously skinny. I'm not hideous, so that should be fine.

I do have a rather large problem that's weighing on my mind, though; screw new year's resolutions. I'm afraid I can't be truly expressive on this though, because a lot of people can read this. I wouldn't have any friends if I were to say what I really wanted to. But I guess that's the disadvantage of a blog, if i don't want people to read it then i shouldn't advertise it on my msn. ok whatever. It's sad that everyone I should care about doesn't even give me the time of day, but the people that give me the time of day i really don't like. like that, of course. mainly dickens, although shakespeare is creeping up again as well. I bring it upon myself though, really, I should appreciate what I have. I've mindlessly been blabbering, I can't even be bothered to check my punctuation, sorry..

and i'd burn every bridge that i cross, to find some beautiful place to get lost

happy new year everyone. I wasn't that excited about new years to be honest, but i'm a killjoy so that's to be expected. If you think about it, we invented our time, so we invented our months, and january just so happens to be the beginning of another year. do you get me? I had a pretty shit new years to be honest. While everyone was having fun spending new years together i was, uh, sitting in a room with family friends being really bored. I'm banned off the internet anyway, for drinking too much. ¬¬
So for the past few days i've been reading, trying to play guitar, watching top gear re-runs and staring at the walls. i've honestly been so bored and pretty depressed to be honest, but i get on with it. It's school tomorrow and i'm looking forward to getting into a familiar routine and what not. The holidays have been majorly shit :) but hopefully this "year" will be better than the last, even though nothing has happened so far, i have high hopes for it
anyway, my dad's coming downstairs so i better dash off pretty quickly
bye everyone..